


Serve Me Your Black Hand

by softlyspoken



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Character Deaths, Emmerdale Big Bang, Emmerdale Big Bang Round 3, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Gun Violence, Hitman/Bodguard AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 37,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21653203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: After a failed attempt at his life by a very much not dead client, hit-man Robert Sugden is given an uncertified bodyguard to protect him on the job.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 27
Kudos: 151
Collections: Emmerdale Big Bang Round 3 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's Big Bang Time! This is my third time taking part and this is definitely different to the other two I have done in the past. 
> 
> Artwork by the incredibly talented @scrapyardboyfriends, you can view here: https://scrapyardboyfriends.tumblr.com/post/189450552517/emmerdale-big-bang-round-3-serve-me-your-black 
> 
> Also the next two chapters will have artwork right at the end which is filled with spoilers so only scroll all the way down when you are finished reading the chapter!
> 
> Happy reading!

* * *

It’s raining harder than he thought it would be when he gets out of his car and walks down the street. It feels like there’s bullets hitting his skull relentlessly and somehow it makes him smirk. The irony of it all really kicks it for him.

His hands are deep in his pockets when he turns the corner and notices that the stupid streetlights aren’t working. It’s the one thing that’s pissing him off most because he likes to be at least a little aware of his surroundings. It comes with the job really. He has to protect _himself_ too.

The rain keeps pelting down on his head and he quickens his pace before stepping out onto the road and being met with this screeching sound. The wind catches and he looks up to see a black BMW with tinted windows revving straight towards him. He catches his breath, leans away as he watches the car steer and speed into the distance.

It’s all fantastic news.

—

“Someone’s after me.” Robert says. His jacket is a pool on the floor now and he’s wet right through, but he’s got to make sure his bully of a boss knows what’s happening here.

He hears a hearty laugh, a scratch of a beard and then a sigh. “Right.” He says, and it’s almost like he’s not heard everything he’s just rightly banged on about for the last ten minutes. He’d been detailed, told him about a car slowing down, then spotting him and revving towards him.

Maybe he thought he deserved it in the moment but that feeling has gone away. He’s back to feeling indignant about the whole thing.

“I think I know what a hit looks like.” Robert’s eyebrow arches and he tilts his head back against his kitchen wall. “Don’t you?”

“Exactly, just because you go around killing people don’t mean they’re doing the same to you.”

He’s known his boss for a long time. He’s watched him shrug off client’s concerns over being caught over and over again and only really seen him lose his cool once or twice. He’s Cain Dingle, he apparently doesn’t have all that much to be worried about despite what he does, what he oversees.

“Think about that you stupid idiot.” He says before slapping a hand down on the desk and sighing like it’s all just really boring him. “And stop pissing about.”

Cain’s ever the eloquent gentleman.

“It makes _sense_.” Robert’s relentless with it, he’s taken to waving his arms about like it’ll help get his point across. It’s not that he’s scared, he doesn’t want to show that he is because he’s not. He isn’t scared of anything. He’s been here before once or twice, but it’s never amounted to anything, someone out to get him has never been _so_ accurate.

And Cain has the right to know that his best man might be killed any day now. He doesn’t say anything for way too long, he runs a thumb across his index finger and then eventually sighs.

“I’ll look into it.”

Robert goes to speak when he hears a thick Scottish accent. He rolls his eyes hard against it. Moira. For one reason that no one will ever really know, she is still his madly in love with her bastard of a husband. She knows the ins and outs, _he_ knows that she killed someone called Emma so maybe she thinks they’re the same.

They’re not. They never will be.

Moira steps into the office and Cain raises an eyebrow, asks her what she’s doing here so late. She raises an eyebrow and Robert makes out a stocking underneath the coat she’s wearing. He shudders with it before watching Cain smirk.

“Sugden. Out.”

Robert frowns, says, “My life is at risk you know?”

Cain looks towards the door and shakes his head at the concern over Moira’s face before laughing. Well, not an actual laugh, just some sort of breathlessly sound that’s his version of the verb. “Funny when the shoe’s on the other foot isn’t it?”

And oh yeah, it’s the funniest thing in the world.

—

He keeps a low profile; he stays at home for a few days and orders online shopping instead of going to his local. He’s a _good_ boy.

He takes to playing this game on his phone, it’s called Roller Splat and it’s almost as addictive as he finds the sound his gun makes. He’s on level 1298 and some twat called Joe Biden from Holloway on level 1300 might just be his next hit.

—

He remembers someone telling him that he’s full of bravado, it was a big word and the guy seemed like a big _dick,_ so he didn’t pay any attention to him.

He remembers being boneless at the sight of someone looking at him and reading what he’s all about. It made his stomach swirl and his hands clam and this thing inside him ground to a halt.

The guy was someone Cain knew, fat and full of himself and taking interest in Robert sat in the corner of the office with a gun in his hand. He poked his fat head up and squinted like he was staring into the sun.

“You’re scared aren’t you. Without it.”

“I’m what now?”

“Full of bravado, kids these days.” He actually used that line and Robert’s brace tightened around the gun. “Bet you hate every minute of this.”

Cain stood; he remembers him telling the bastard to stop trying to scare him off. “He’s an idiot.” He said, when the idiot was pushed out of the room and Robert was holding the gun heavy in his hand.

He remembers with everything inside him, wanting to let it

Go.

—

Cain eventually calls him into his office again. It’s not Robert running to him which is new, he’s summoned like a pet and he has to bite his tongue. He pulls up to the club in the middle of the day and expects to see Cain waiting for him inside. Instead the moody dark club floor is empty and behind the bar is a young-looking girl wiping down the counter.

She looks up at him with confused eyes and he asks for Cain. She doesn’t look so confused anymore and instead just tells him to wait a while.

He looks at the black sofas and doesn’t even want to think about what’s happened there, so he stands until he sees Cain walking towards him. He’s with someone else too, someone Robert hasn’t seen before now.

“Belle, get Robert a drink would you?”

“Belle?” Robert says as the girl rolls her eyes and gets out some whiskey like it’s the only drink she thinks he can have.

Cain just frowns. “My little sister.” He stands straighter. “She needed a job.”

“A legitimate one surely?” Robert teases, hands deep in his pockets as Cain stares at him. He doesn’t see the funny side but then again, he rarely does.

Belle passes him the whiskey like it’s on fire and he nods out something to her before watching shows him into the back office. The bloke with him follows with his head down like the floor is proper interesting.

Robert stands awkwardly, watching as the silence that drags out through the air and threatens to snap.

“So, I’ve realised what’s happened.” Cain leans over his deck as Robert stands on the opposite side of it. The bloke tilts his head up as he rests against the wall and Robert sees him properly for the first time.

He looks young, bored, like he’s a fan of the colour black and loathes everything else.

“Go on.” Robert says.

Cain leans back again, picks up a pen and then suddenly looks really pissed off. They’ve known each other for long enough now that Robert can just _sense_ that this is his doing, that somehow he’s at fault here.

He manages to sum things up in two words. “Lawrence. White.”

Robert gulps thickly. “What about him?”

“He’s not dead.”

“He’s in a _coma_.” Robert says. “Has been for what? Eight months. He’s seventy something Cain, I don’t think ...”

“Oh I do.” Cain argues. “A week ago he woke up. He’s got a long recovery on his hands but guess what? He’s saying he could pick out who did it.”

Robert’s face changes colour and he wants to slam his head against the fucking cabinet.

“You said you’d done the job.”

Robert’s mouth flaps open like he’s a goldfish and he’s stunned for a second before twitching. “I ... I did.”

Only he hadn’t. Lawrence was an old bastard of a man who had screwed people over his whole life. The latest upset he’d caused resulted in an ex of his killing himself after the humiliation and rejection Lawrence had thrown his way. So Robert was more than happy to give him what he deserved. He had fun with it, he made Lawrence think he _wanted_ him before shooting him.

It was _fine_. Until someone in the hotel came to check on him and that stupid shallow pulse of his was detectable by the doctor staying in the room a couple of doors down.

“Clearly not.” Cain seethes. “Because he’s awake, talking.”

“So I’ll finish off the job.” Robert says and then he looks up and sees that the man against the wall has his eyes on him, looks like he wants him six feet under. “Who’s this?” He asks, practically waggles a finger in the man’s face as he looks at Cain.

“Lawrence is after you. But I can’t sack ya because you’re the best I’ve got, so ... Aaron here is going to be making sure you’re not dead.”

Robert laughs, he just laughs suddenly and expects Cain to hold his hands up and say he’s joking but he isn’t. He looks so serious and Robert just stares.

“You what?”

“Meet Aaron. Your bodyguard.” Cain stands, has a hand on Aaron’s shoulder and pushes him towards Robert like they’re on Blind Date. “Now he’s a good lad but he’ll bite if you bark at him.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and shuffles away from Cain’s grip quickly like he’s dodging a bullet. Robert just stares stunned, eyes Aaron up properly and realises that although he’s definitely younger and fitter than he is himself, this is _insane_.

He says as much. “You’re out of your mind. You’ve lost the plot.” He argues with himself as Cain almost stares through him. “A bodyguard? He’s trained as one?”

Cain says _no_ with just his eyes. “He’s a boxer.” He says, like it’s remotely the same thing. “He’s a Dingle.”

Aaron looks at Cain, he looks weirdly touched which makes Robert frown even more.

“He’s _family_?” Robert says. “This just gets better and better. I’m not mixing business with your family Cain. That’s your golden rule.”

The door goes and Robert sees Isaac opening it with a small frown on his face and embodying Robert’s whole point. He’s just a tall lanky lad, the spit of Cain surprisingly without the inherently intimidating looks.

“Dad, Belle’s knocked over a spirit.” He says. He’s about eighteen, old enough to make his own decisions and Cain always goes on about his son not getting involved in any of this shit. It’s seemingly his only rule.

Cain nods, tells him he’ll be out in a second and then stares back at Robert. “You’re in no position to have a say on this. Aaron’s here, needs a job and that’s all you need to know.” He leans back on his chair like he holds all the power in the world and then he sighs. “Any more questions?”

Robert frowns. “Yeah.” He looks at Aaron again. “Does he speak?”

—

Aaron’s got a beaten up dark blue car and Robert would really rather _be_ killed than be seen in it but apparently Aaron’s not fucking around.

“Come here.” Aaron says. It’s the first time he’s said anything directly to him, so he arches an eyebrow and makes a fuss over it. “Are you deaf?” He asks when Robert sticks a hand in his pocket and smirks.

“Thought _you_ were.” Robert says, giving in and slamming the car door shut behind him. He settles in the front seat, feels his hand brush closely towards Aaron and then Aaron firmly keeps his hands round his wheel instead of dangling them about everywhere.

He looks a little pinker for it and Robert ignores it in favour of putting his seatbelt on. “Safety first.” He says before looking at Aaron properly. It’s dark now, it’s been a few days since they first met and yet it feels like Robert can see his face for the first time.

The moon’s helping, shining delicately over his face. He still looks younger than Robert, looks like he’s going to break his arm if he keeps staring at him. He wonders why he’s taken the job, how desperate he must be. He keeps thinking about it, then remembers the fact that some closeted psycho is most definitely after him. He has bigger things to worry about.

“So basically you’re just my driver.” Robert says as Aaron turns the keys and asks Robert where he’s going. Robert ignores him for all of five seconds before Aaron’s repeating himself in a less than polite tone.

“Where. Are. You —"

“Fine, _Jesus_.” Robert says, clearly small talk isn’t his thing. He doesn’t even care really, he just expects a tad more respect, more recognition. Aaron’s looked him in the eye about twice now. Twice. Robert fishes his phone out and gets the address up. “42 Marylebone Street.” He mumbles.

Aaron drives in silence there, he seems to know back streets and only has to put it in his satnav when he approaches a roundabout. Robert would say he’s impressed but he doesn’t want Aaron biting his head off. Instead he keeps himself to himself until Aaron’s slowing the car down.

The lights are on in the house, Robert makes out a figure of someone and goes to take his seatbelt off when he sees Aaron doing the same exact thing.

“I don’t think so.” Robert says.

Aaron just scowls at him like he’s punched him in the face. “You what?”

“You’re staying here. You’re look out. You think Cain’ll let you get involved in this?”

Aaron’s face changes, he’s clearly thinking and it’s almost funny how much it impacts his expressions. “Oh.” He says. He has his eyes fixed towards the wheel now and then he clears his throat. “So I’ll ... be here when you’re ... done.”

He’s a kid. He really must be if he’s turning yellow at the thought of what Robert’s about to do. He’s clearly not cut out for any of this and Robert isn’t cut out to hold his hand through this.

“You do that.” He gets out of the car and slams the door shut. It’s ten minutes later when he comes back out again and sees Aaron staring into space. “Come on then.” He says, waves a hand out.

“You what?” Aaron says. He’s eyes are wide now, they’re blue, delicately so almost like pools of shiny glass.

Anyway.

“I said go.” Robert snaps out of the thought and waves a hand.

“Fine.” Aaron shouts before turning on the engine again and driving like a mad man. He only turns the engine off when they pull up outside Robert’s house, he watches Aaron breathing all weird as he wraps his hands tighter around the wheel.

“You going to be sick of something?”

Aaron turns towards him sharply; his face is filled with anger that Robert doesn’t understand. “You what?”

It’s obviously his go to sentence and Robert hates the idea of having to get used to it.

He sits up, looks towards him. “You. Look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“You’ve just _killed_ someone.” Aaron says. He leans forward and shakes his head. “You’re sick.”

Robert’s face falls. The thing is he hasn’t got a lot of people around him anymore for good reason. He doesn’t want people to have opinions about the stuff that he does, from putting the milk in before the cereal to being a hit man.

“Who are you to judge me?” Robert snarls. He knew he didn’t like this twat; he just fucking _knew_.

“I don’t go around killing innocent —"

“Innocent?” Robert says. “You’ve got no idea why people ask us to kill these animals.”

“Animals? They’re _people_.” Aaron says. It’s the most he’s done for a while. It’s like he’s realised his face works, his voice box is wide open. Robert wants it shut again.

Robert scoffs. “And you’re in way over your head.”

Aaron’s eyes are shiny when he leans away, shrugs. “Needed a job.”

“Well I think you should quit. I don’t need some kid having a fit every time I do my job.” Robert says, shaking his head as Aaron’s eyes turn beady. He looks like he wants to punch him in the face again, he probably would if Robert didn’t still have a gun in his coat pocket.

Robert gets out the car slowly before kneeling back down and peering into the window. “I take it you’ve got to stay here for a couple of hours and just keep watch?” Aaron nods slowly, looks like he’d rather be chased by a cheetah or something. “Fine. Do me a favour, when you get back to Cain tell him I got his message in time.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker like he gets what he’s saying. His victim changed her mind, he never even touched the bastard.

—

“It was him. I know it. And I’m going to make him pay.”

“You can’t be ...”

“Oh I am. I can recognise that arrogant smirk from anywhere.”

—

He doesn’t expect to see Aaron sleeping in his car waiting for him a week later. It’s about six in the morning and Robert only notices him because he’s going for a run.

Lawrence can try and scare him all he likes but he won’t stop with his fitness. He does a run around the park near his house practically every morning, it’s his thing.

There’s a specific tree he’s usually sick near the morning after a hit. He doesn’t tell anyone about that.

He taps on the door of the car twice before he sees Aaron’s hunched over body start to come to life again. He rubs his eyes for a second before opening the car door and scowling.

“What?”

Robert huffs, “Thought I told you to go if you weren’t cut out for this.”

Aaron just keeps staring. “Looks like I am.” He points out with an arch of his eyebrow and a clearing of his throat. He sort of looks like shit but at the same time he sort of doesn’t. “Where are you going dressed like that?” He croaks.

“To kill an innocent human soul.” Robert says with a smirk on his face. Aaron deadpans him, doesn’t even flinch and Robert thinks he’s learning. “Park. Running for a bit.”

Aaron’s face hardly moves yet at the same exact time his eyes twitch like he’s fighting back the need to thump Robert. “Some bloke tried to kill ya.”

“Yeah. In the dead of night.” Robert points out, he looks at his phone and gets his playlist up. He accidentally presses play and then fumbles about turning it off. When he pokes his head up, Aaron’s staring at him.

“Does Taylor Swift usually get you in the killing mood?”

The thing is, Aaron’s drier than dry humour would be somewhat funny if he wasn’t such a twat about it.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

He gets Robert’s back up and he yanks his headphones in, sees Aaron still watching him. “What?”

“Nothin’.” Aaron’s head dips, he draws his arms out over the wheel of his car and then tilts his head. “Going for a shower and a piss.” He mumbles before starting the car up.

“Can’t wait ‘til you’re back.” Robert ducks his head down into the car and gets close to Aaron’s face for a second. He sees him twitch and it makes him hold back his laughter.

He’s all soft wide eyes and still half asleep. “Piss off.”

Robert waves childishly as he goes. He can’t help himself.

—

He takes a longer route around the park and has to sit for a second as the miles catch up with him.

He remembers running over hills, through fields, crops tickling his shins as he threw his head back and laughed.

He remembers peace like it’s another world really.

—

Aaron looks at his leather jacket like it’s got shit on it so he’s already got his back up when he gets into the car. He’s not even got a job on tonight and yet Aaron’s bouncing his leg up and down like they’ve just fled a crime scene.

He wants to tell him none of this is ever that deep. He wants to show him that you really can grow numb to it, but Aaron’s not even worth it. Robert still thinks he’s going to drive away and not come back any day now.

Aaron taps the wheel all nervously and Robert’s really had enough.

“Pull over.” Robert says.

Aaron frowns at him, both hands firm and tight around his wheel. “What?”

“On the side there.” Robert leans over and points to a small curve in the road for Aaron to drive into. He hesitates for a second and fiddles with the engine before looking out of the window.

Robert tuts. He’s never wanted to shake someone so much in his life. “Right. You get three questions.”

Aaron turns his head slowly and eyes Robert for a second. Robert takes him in and thinks, doesn’t understand why he’s got some sort of ban on any item of clothing that isn’t a black hoodie but that’s not the point right now.

The point _is_ , “You clearly need this job, and I need you to stop being so ... _you_ about it so ... you get three questions and then you stop being like this.”

“Like what?”

“Nervous. Annoying. _Mute_." Robert has a list, it’s in his head and growing by the day.

“Why do I need to speak to you?” It feels harsher than Robert thought it would. He clears his throat and then Aaron stares out the window again.

He doesn’t say anything for about thirty seconds, sitting there playing with some lose skin near his thumb. It’s gross but Robert watches.

Eventually Aaron looks up, turns in the seat and then sniffs. “How many ...”

“Don’t be predictable.”

Aaron squints, his hair is thick with gel and it looks shiny when he tilts his head for a second. “Why?”

Robert’s eyes flicker, he feels moved in this really stupid way and he battles through the feeling. For some reason, he sees his mother asking him the question.

He feels this need to explain, make it heavy and sad and lost amongst what should have been his chance to get Aaron off his back. But he doesn’t do that.

“Because its a job.” Robert says, his voice is thick with something that makes it hard to be honest. “And after a while of it ... it becomes normal.” He shrugs.

Aaron’s jaw clenches slightly, he frowns, says, “Normal to kill people?”

“You think I’m insane or something?” Robert says, he’s suddenly annoyed, suddenly balled over by the way someone can be so upfront with him like this.

Aaron scoffs, shakes his head and stares out the window again before looking down at his lap. “You really have no idea who you are.”

It makes something prickle through him, he feels like someone’s chasing him with a gun and telling him to calm down. It gets under his fucking skin.

Robert turns towards him. “Do you know how young your precious Cain was when he started? Does that make him insane too? A monster?” He says. “Must run in the family.”

Aaron leans forward and smirks. “You think you’re clever. Like you’re somehow above all of this don’t ya?” By this Robert’s assuming he means his _judgement_ which he is quite frankly. Especially when it comes scowling towards him in a black hoodie and jeans combo.

Robert breathes in for just a second, eyes still on Aaron’s. “You know what I think?”

Aaron’s eyes are beady. “What?”

Robert leans over just a tiny bit more; he has a hand across his arm and the only sound he can hear is his leather jacket moving creakily against the seat. Aaron looks at Robert’s eyes, his chin, then up a bit. “You’ve had more than three questions.”

Aaron leans back suddenly like he’s been caught off guard and then he huffs and stares out the window before starting the car up again.

—

The body’s laying on the floor, a pool of blood by his leg making a mess all over a rather decent rug that Robert can see nicely in his flat. He steps over him, smiles just for a second before he composes himself and slicks a hand through his hair.

He looks out of the window to see Aaron waiting in the car for him. He’s probably shitting himself over this. He decides to put him out of his misery as he slips out of the back door, gets to the car, says, “Drive.”

Aaron’s all jumpy, stubby fingers trying to twist the key in the engine and the low rumble of the car fills the atmosphere.

“Fucking _drive_.” Robert says. Aaron puts his foot down and speeds off. “Yeah, don’t draw attention to us or anything.” He rolls his eyes and Aaron slows down again.

They hit a traffic light and Robert’s body is covered in the red lighting as he holds the gun in his hand.

Aaron looks down at him like he’s mental, so he feels the need to sigh, say, “Don’t worry, it ain’t loaded.”

Aaron huffs out a breath again. “Nah. Just in some poor bloke.”

“He’ll be fine.” Robert says. “What?” Because Aaron’s eyes are still heavy and wide for no concrete reason as he seemingly tries his hardest to stare into Robert’s soul.

“You’re holding a fucking gun.” Aaron snaps, there’s colour to his face, something in his tone again. It feels like he’s just been woken up from some deep sleep.

“It’s not loaded.” Robert repeats.

“You’re a _hitman_.” Aaron explains, as if that says it all.

Robert shakes his head. “And you’re a hitman’s _bodyguard_.” He says before looking up. “It’s green.”

“I can fucking see.” Aaron says, firm hands around the wheel again as he presses down on the brakes and the car starts moving. Aaron only starts speaking again when another set of lights turn amber. He has his mouth parted, a finger close as he goes to bite at his nails and then stops. “You said he’d be fine?”

Robert nods. “He will.”

“You a psychic?”

Robert sighs hard and stares out of the window. “It was a warning from his daughter. Saw the neighbour call for an ambulance so ...”

“His _daughter_?” Aaron’s face is a picture and Robert really needs to get his head around how alien all of this must be to him.

“Does Cain not tell you anything?”

“Don’t ask questions, don’t get any ... shitty answers.” Aaron mumbles. It’s like he’s worked it out in his head, like he can prioritise and block things out when needs be. Maybe they’re more alike than they care to admit, but who gives a shit?

“In other words, leave all the stupid questions to me?”

Aaron does this thing with his mouth like he’s biting back a bark. He shakes his head and sighs hard before the lights turn green again. Robert really doesn’t like him. He hopes it’s clear. He holds the gun up just for a second to tease the little shit, realises it’s still warm.

—

He gets a whiskey because he’s earned it just for putting up with Aaron for a bit now.

Belle’s behind the bar at Cain’s place when he arrives, and she seems to not hate him as much as he thought she would. In fact, she makes small talk before trying to be nosy and _slash_ or funny.

“So you’ve not killed Aaron yet, new record for you isn’t it?”

Robert winces against the whisky for a second before clapping slowly. “You’re hilarious. Should try out stand up.”

“Hmm thanks.” She says, and she manages to exude almost none of the dark and moody substance Aaron’s clearly made from.

He leans over for a second, eyes flickering as he questions, says, “So Aaron’s your ...”

“Cousin I think.” Belle says, after way too long. He raises an eyebrow against it and muses on it before he presses on.

“And he’s just come back or something?”

Belle wipes the counter; Robert notices her nails are nicely done up and he worries about the bleach under her finger nails for a second too long.

“He’s been gone since I was a kid but now he’s back. Cain’s welcomed him into the family fold.” She says the last part in a sing song voice before rolling her eyes.

“You bothered?”

Belle frowns. “More like relieved he isn’t getting Isaac caught up in your rubbish. Moira’d kill us all.” She stops wiping. “And anyway he’s had a shit time of it so this is nothing in his eyes.”

Robert goes to say something when Belle ducks down to stretch yellow gloves over her hands. She says something about him wishing her luck as she grimaces and goes towards the toilets.

He throws out a nod before Cain’s voice rings out clearly in the club.

“He was holding the gun in the car. Right next to me.” It’s Aaron’s voice speaking now. “He was waving it about like some _twat_.”

Robert’s expression changes slightly as he hears, and he listens closer.

“He wouldn’t have had it loaded.” Cain says. “Wise up Aaron, it’s all good yeah? I wouldn’t have you with him if I didn’t know that.”

Aaron scoffs, “Know what? That he’s not a _nutter_?”

“That he’s sound.”

It’s probably the best thing Cain’s ever said about him.

—

There’s a silence when he’s alone that he’s able to bare because he’s put it there himself.

He’s alone and it’s the way he likes it.

It’s _just_ the way he likes it.

—

Cain’s not said anything about new cases so Robert’s in the club again a few days later. He’s playing on his phone when he feels someone kick his shoe. When he looks up he sees Aaron standing there, he’s got a bomber jacket on, a white shirt underneath. Robert nearly dies from the shock of the colour.

He just about holds it together. “What the fuck was that for?”

Aaron shrugs. “I’m off out.”

“And I care because?”

Aaron bites his lip. He does it so often that it’s become second nature for Robert to deal with.

Aaron shrugs, says, “I’m meant to make sure you don’t die aren’t I?”

It’s certainly a blunt way of summing up his job description.

Robert leans back on the leather sofa and traces his finger up and down the side of his phone before nodding. “Where you going?”

Aaron bristles. “Out.”

Robert scratches his chin. “Must be _out_ out considering the jacket.” He says and Aaron has that look in his eyes again, the one that tells Robert he wants to punch him.

“Just wait here.” He says. At first Robert thinks he must be mad, as if he’s going to wait in a club all night just so he can get a safe ride home. But then some leggy blonde is keeping him warm by the end of the night, she’s practically shoving her hands in his jeans by the time Aaron gets back and tells her to do one.

He is so sure her name is Delilah or something hippy like that and she scurries away when Aaron stands over them.

“Well that was nice of you.” Robert slaps a hand out on his thigh in frustration.

“I called you five times. Told you I was outside waiting in the car.” He looks a little buzzed, but also like he’s tried to be sensible and recognise his job is almost twenty-four hour.

Robert stands awkwardly and Aaron says something about him sloping off for a drink whilst he waited. It means that they have to wait in a closing club for a taxi to drive Robert home.

“You’re paying.”

“Am I?” Robert says, running a hand through his hair. “I could have got a ride home with someone but _no_ you had to wade in.”

“You didn’t know her.”

“I didn’t know you at one point.” Robert’s eyes are beady. “Still don’t.”

Aaron rolls his eyes and sighs. “You know enough.”

“I know you didn’t pull which is probably why you’re so mardy.” Robert snipes, smirks just a tad when Aaron seems caught off guard by the comment.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Robert pulls a face. “I’m alright thank you very much.”

Aaron gulps hard and Robert can see the rise and the fall of his chest as he stares at his chest. He looks like he wants to say something, like he’s been waiting for a while. “Cain told me how you met.”

The place is practically empty now as they sit, the floor is sticky, and Robert should sit upright but he slouches with Aaron. He hears him and then frowns, his heart beating a little faster.

“Did he now.” Robert keeps his voice tight like it doesn’t matter.

Aaron nods. “You got caught up in it all. That’s all he said. I thought you’d walked in and just ... I don’t know, asked for the job.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “I was alone, not sleeping ... in the best places, and then I saw some guy getting beaten up.”

“Cain?”

Robert nods. In his mind he’s there, it’s raining, and he turns the corner and sees someone over someone else. “The guy got up and left but ... Cain said it wasn’t over. He said he’d be back. He gave me a gun; said he’d pay me to just stand next to him and point it at the guy.”

Aaron leans towards him for a second as he shifts in his seat.

“The guy came back, they struggled, started fighting again and he — I thought he was going to kill Cain. I just shot.”

Aaron looks like he’s trying to stay calm. “As in ...”

“Killed him.” Robert remembers the sound. It ripped through him over and over again. He remembers seeing him fall into this heap on the floor. “And Cain felt sorry for me ‘cause of how I ... reacted."

On the floor, in tears, wanting to die too.

“So he picked me up and told me I could work for him.”

“To do it all over again?” Aaron scowls.

Robert scoffs. “Wasn’t just going around killing people, it isn’t like that.” For some reason he wants to explain it all. “It’s warning people, helping people, killing _scum_ that deserve it. After a while I ... you turn numb.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker again.

“You just get used to how you are.”

“You saved his life.” Aaron points out, his voice is the softest Robert’s ever heard it, he sounds honest, sounds like he’s taken what he wants out of it.

Robert gulps against it though, pretends like he hasn’t really heard him.

“Must have been bad.” Aaron says.

He isn’t sure why he’s talking so much but Robert’s not a fan. He feels that judgement, running over him and making him want to drown.

“Yeah.” Robert wonders if it’s all in his eyes, his fear and panic. “It stays with you. The first time you ...”

He realises that he shouldn’t talk about things like this with someone who doesn’t understand a fucking thing about it. Something’s shifted and he feels alone for it.

“It just stays with you.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything, he looks down onto his lap and keeps his eyes closed for a second before looking at Robert.

“What?” Robert says. He’s getting his back up because he has to, because Aaron’s looking at him and he doesn’t know what it means. “You know I’m really sick of you judging me.”

“Judging you?” Aaron scowls before standing up and rolling his eyes. “I’m calling that taxi.”

“You do that.” Robert says, his tone sharp and strong again and he’s thankful for it.

“Should have stayed where I was instead of crawling back here to you.” Aaron mumbles a little to himself, only Robert hears it.

“What trying to get into some poor girl’s knickers?”

Aaron stops dead and scowls.

Robert carries on, says, “What? You were probably trying to get into Delilah’s too, that’s why you chucked her out.”

Aaron comes towards Robert. “Her name was _Danielle_ , dick face.”

And oh. Robert stands. “And yet I’m still right.”

Robert isn’t entirely sure how he went from sitting next to Aaron and divulging something as serious as his first meeting with Cain to _this,_ but it’s happened.

“I didn’t fancy her.” Aaron’s adamant.

“Who said anything about _fancying_ her?”

Aaron shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable.”

“And you’re a liar.”

“I’m _gay_. That’s what I am. So I didn’t give a shit about her trying to warm up that tiny dick of yours alright?” Aaron shouts, like really shouts and Robert stands back for a second.

He watches Aaron stomp down the stairs, and he breathes out unevenly.

He pays for the taxi in the end.

—

“Oi. Dick face.” Cain thinks he’s hilarious. He’s in his car slowing down to keep up with Robert jogging off the alcohol from the night before.

Robert sighs, “Spoke to Aaron then.”

“He likes calling you that.” Cain says, smirking now. “Pretty good nickname actually.”

“He likes dick too apparently.”

Cain stops the car dead and scowls at Robert, the family resemblance starts shining through.

Cain frowns. “You got a problem with that?”

“Didn’t say I did.” Robert shrugs.

“Good ‘cause he’d deck ya if you did.”

“He’s meant to be keeping me safe not beating me up.” Robert goes to start walking again and then stops. “Oh and what’s with you telling him how we met?”

Cain stays quiet for a second. It starts raining and he eventually shrugs. “Figured it would make him think you’ve got a heart.”

“Who said I wanted that?”

Cain drives away without answering.

—

Aaron doesn’t show his face for a few days and Cain doesn’t give Robert any work. It’s bliss until Cain’s dragging him into his office and telling him to sort it out with Aaron.

“I don’t give a shit if you don’t like him. He’s keeping you alive.”

Said saviour is a scowl in a hoodie in the corner of the room.

“That’s a bit far.” Robert says. “He’s not an actual bodyguard. He’s your _whoever_ and you’re doing him a favour.”

“Doing you one as well if I remember correctly.” Cain leans back on his chair. “I could have thrown ya to Lawrence myself but instead I got someone who’s protecting you, got your back.”

Robert looks at Aaron for a second and then back at Cain.

“Don’t you, Aaron.” Cain presses until Aaron’s nodding his head along. He lifts his head up, jaw locking in place, says, “Yes.” Like he’s a puppet and Cain is moving his mouth for him.

“So let’s be friends.” Cain stands and then gets to the door. Robert goes after him and then he’s pushed back into the room. “Sort it out.”

He doesn’t exactly lock them in, but Aaron makes out the walls are caving in around them before breathing out steadily and scowling.

“Are you turning into the hulk or?”

Robert sticks a hand in his pocket and plays on his phone, he doesn’t get anything back and when he looks up Aaron is just frowning at him.

“You got a problem with me being gay.” It’s not even a question. He just _says_ it and Robert has his back up almost immediately.

“No.” He says. “Is that why you’ve been everywhere but near me?”

Aaron looks down and then up again.

“You’re the one with the problem.” Robert gets out, the dark lighting of the place makes it hard to start pacing around the room, so he’s forced to stay where he is. “With what I do.”

“You kill people I think I’m allowed to have a problem with that one.”

Robert blinks out, twitches slightly. “Yeah and you _protect_ someone who kills people. Makes you just as bad as me.”

Aaron clearly doesn’t care about tripping in the dark light because he marches towards Robert without a care in the world. “I’m _nothing_ like you.” He snarls, he’s like a little dog barking at Robert’s heels as he stares up at him.

“Really.”

“What you do, it makes my skin crawl.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and he stops and thinks for a second, wonders when the last time was someone hated him this much. His eyes grow wider under the scrutiny, a blackness seeps through him and manages to harden his heart against the words. “You think I give a shit what you think?”

Aaron’s eyes are shiny with anger and he steps back. “I’m here for the money. Not because I’m hoping that bloke doesn’t find whatever he needs to get you sent down. Or worse, killed.”

Robert nods. “Glad we know where we stand.” He says. He goes for the door and manages to get out into the bar again before Cain grips hold of him. “Keeping him sweet is the least of my problems.” He says.

It gets Cain off him as he eases back and Robert thunders down the stairs and back to his. Robert’s making a white wine sauce and stirring the pan when his door goes, and he hesitates. It’s Aaron in the end, standing there looking worn and quiet.

“Cain reckons I should put my ... personal feelings aside and do my job.” Aaron speaks like he’s reading off a script. He can imagine Cain putting him in line the best he can. It sort of makes him smile. “Don’t smirk.” He almost orders.

Robert makes a point of leaning against his front door, hips leaning out and arms crossed. He’s got an even bigger smirk on his face now. “Is this you saying sorry?”

Aaron pulls a face. “God no.” It makes a ripple of something exist between them. It’s light enough to make Robert smile. “Just ... let’s try not to piss each other off.”

“Or say I make your skin crawl.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Aaron has a ghost of a smile painted across his face. Robert nods out and soaks it in before he’s sure the white wine sauce is bubbling over the pan.

—

Robert finds out some things, they make him look at Aaron with a hooded sense of sadness. They make him think he’s probably grumpy for a reason, but he keeps it to himself.

It’s better that way.

—

Lawrence White doesn’t have a single shred of evidence that Robert was anywhere near him on the night of his attack, mainly because Robert isn’t an idiot.

Cain tells him not to worry. Aaron shrugs and pretends to be listening when he tells him. The waiting for something to happen persists.

And Aaron’s still delightful.

—

“What’s this?” Aaron’s reaction to being passed a cup of coffee is dramatic as ever, he’s got this frown on his face and his mouth is down turned.

“Poison.” Robert tells him, he shuts the car door as he gets in to the passenger’s seat before turning on the stereo. Aaron’s face falls and he rolls his eyes. “It’s coffee.”

“Yeah. Why?”

Robert sighs hard. “Just being ... not dick-facey.” He says before looking at Aaron. He has a small smile on his face and then he clears his throat and nods.

“Where to?”

“Nowhere until half three.” Robert relaxes in his seat and starts going through his phone. He watches Aaron staring at him. “You drinking that coffee, or do you want to be wearing it?”

Aaron scoffs. “Like you could take me.”

And only Aaron would laugh at a hitman. Robert arches an eyebrow and shakes his head. He looks over at Aaron’s arms and then up to his face again. “I’m stronger than you think.”

Aaron looks him up and down. “Of course you are.” He says. “Without your gun and all that yeah?”

Robert rolls his eyes.

—

He’s got a file in front of him that he’s looking through, it’s all about the next person he’s after. He’s taken to spending time at the club after hours because it’s got more cameras and security than his house and Aaron doesn’t mind lounging about on the sofa for hours on end.

Sometimes he can’t fucking believe he’s getting paid for this. He must have something wrong with him because he hands Robert a beer and tells him to take it before he changes his mind.

“Does Cain know we’re drinking his profits away?”

Aaron sits on the sofa dramatically far away from Robert, shrugs a little and then gets back to his phone before flickering his eyes up towards the door. Robert watches him doing it for a couple of minutes before he looks down at the file again.

“What’s that?” Aaron asks.

And since he’s asked, Robert gives it to him. He watches him read, jaw tightening and face turning red.

“How old was the girl?” He asks after a minute or so.

“Thirteen. Thought they could run away together.”

Aaron looks really troubled by it; he shakes his head a few times. “He didn’t get sent down?”

“No evidence. The girl said he never touched her.” Robert looks down at the man, he realises he’ll be the last person he sees in a way that he hasn’t ever given thought to before now. For a reason he doesn’t want to admit, he blames Aaron.

Aaron gulps and Robert sees, he itches his eyebrow, “But who ... so who wants him ... dealt with?”

Robert closes his eyes for a second before sighing, admitting, “The bloke’s daughter.”

It makes Aaron’s eyes widen and Robert explains how it got all over the press, how his family have disowned him and tried moving on but it’s too difficult. “He wasn’t found guilty, so he has every right to still want to be involved in their lives. She has a daughter too, doesn’t want him around his own granddaughter because of the way he is.”

Aaron breathes out deeply. “I don’t blame her.” Robert raises an eyebrow. What?”

“Not as black and white as you thought it was.”

Aaron bites his lip. “It’s still a life though isn’t it.” He sounds like a philosopher or something. Then he’s leaning up. “Fancy getting drunk?”

—

They’re mixing spirits so Robert’s practically skipping around the place, head the right kind of fuzzy. Aaron doesn’t look nearly half as drunk as he is and it isn’t fair. But at least he’s stopped frowning.

“So ...” Robert looks at him. “Gay.”

“Yeah.” Aaron’s moved onto the same sofa Robert’s on and he wriggles his eyebrow. “Hit me with the jokes then. Go on.”

“Wouldn’t do that.” Robert says. “You don’t look it.”

“Look what?”

“Gay.”

“Should I start dancing on this table for you?” Aaron sips his beer; stands up and climbs on top of the table like an idiot. He just stands and then frowns. “Actually, I don’t dance so –”

But Robert’s already climbing up too and he nearly falls back so Aaron holds his hand. He almost smiles at him.

“Come on.” Robert really is drunk now. There’s almost two of Aaron in front of him. He taps his cheek lightly. “Sick of seeing your moody face, just dance.”

Aaron just rolls his eyes.

“And that.” Robert points. “Always rolling your eyes.”

“Always making me.” Aaron points out, he looks down and lets go of Robert’s hand, he nearly sends him flying though so he holds onto his shoulder. “Shit you’re drunk.”

“And you’re ...” Aaron’s face is a little blurry in this vision, but Robert sees him. He sees him. “You’re not bad at all.”

“Unlike you?”

“I’m a bad boy.” Robert wriggles his eyebrows, shows teeth as he grins up at Aaron.

“Bet you tell that to all the girls.”

Robert bites his lip. “Yeah. The boys too.”

Aaron’s eyes widen softly, he has a ghost of a smile on his face that Robert can make out and then he blinks gently. “OK.” He whispers. He leans over and fixes Robert’s collar, spreads it out evenly before dipping his head back. “Let’s get you down.” He does, gently, like he’s concerned.

“Can we be mates?” Robert blurts out when he’s back on the sofa.

Aaron turns to him. “Thought you liked hating each other?”

Robert muses. “It was pretty fun but ... mates look out for each other.”

Aaron shrugs, circles of red against his cheeks. “S’my job.”

“Mates _want_ to look out for each other then.” Robert says, this time he has a hand on Aaron’s thigh, and he watches Aaron stare down for a way longer than he thought he would. Eventually he breathes out something, there’s a small nod to his head.

“Fine.” He says, Robert smiles and moves his hand away.

“Good. Livesy.”

Aaron’s head snaps towards him, he doesn’t look soft and spongy anymore, he looks terrified. “How do you — it’s Dingle.”

Robert frowns. “Belle told me you were ... changing it but you hadn’t –”

Aaron steps up, he runs a hand through his hair and shudders. “It’s not Livesy OK?”

Robert nods, begins to sober under Aaron’s voice. He feels it, the moment between them ruined by something that seems so trivial.

“Right, I’ll get us a cab.” Aaron stands, he looks unsure and small against it like something keeping him together has just been shattered.

Robert gulps, tastes the alcohol as it burns his throat slightly and he watches Aaron walk away from his sight. He nods slowly, says, “Right.”

—

Robert’s head feels like it’s about to fall off when he hears the doorbell the next morning. Aaron’s standing there, passing him some paracetamol, telling him he’ll wait in the car and not even mentioning the night before.

“You can come in you know? Cain’s letting me have the day off. I’m not feeling too great after last night.” Robert says, pokes the bear or whatever they say and sees Aaron’s face change.

Aaron sticks a hand in his pocket, he doesn’t even look up at Robert. “It’s fine. I’ve got ... calls to make and stuff.” He waves a hand out and turns away like nothing is wrong.

It _feels_ wrong, he feels the distance between them.

He remembers agreeing to be mates. He remembers the whole Livesy thing too. He runs a hand through his hair and walks into the living room, trying to stop feeling so delicate and hard done by.

It was Aaron’s stupid decision to get drunk in the first place. He suddenly groans when he remembers climbing on to a table.

Shit.

He’s built it up in his head and he doesn’t know what to do. The thought is there, and it doesn’t go away so he just sort of blurts it out when Aaron comes to the door hours later telling him he’s going to see Cain about something.

“Did we have sex?” Robert just says it and Aaron’s eyes have never been so wide.

Aaron’s eyes widen like mad. “Did we _what_?"

“Last night, I don’t ... remember but you seem really off with me and — thought we said we’d be mates so –”

Aaron rubs a hand over his face, groans, says, “You were _pissed_.”

“So we ...”

“You think I’d have fucked you when you’re pissed?”

“Didn’t think you’d fuck me at all.” Robert says, defensive and irritated.

“So why say it?” Aaron argues, he’s got this strong look in his eye. “Well?”

“I don’t know.” Robert hangs his head embarrassed, when he looks up Aaron isn’t looking at him. “What’s wrong with you?”

Aaron points to himself and frowns. “ _Me_?”

Robert nods, he’s still fragile and Aaron seems to be raising his voice louder and louder. “You can hardly look me in the eye.”

He’s desperately trying to think about what he did, what he said. He closes his eyes and then looks awkward. “Is this about me saying I like blokes as well as girls?”

It’s a constant, he almost doesn’t mind and then something happens, and he feels judgement creeping through him again.

Aaron‘s eyes are wide pools of blue and his breath hitches. “You meant that?”

Robert feels painfully awkward for a second and then he shrugs, says, “It’s not a big deal.”

“I didn’t say it was.” Aaron snaps, and this back and forth thing they have is almost exhausting. Robert sighs, tells Aaron to say whatever’s pissed him off. “How come you knew I was a Livesy?” He gets out eventually, eyes hooded and beady.

He can hardly remember even saying it and yet Aaron looks so offended. “Belle.” Robert remembers. “She told me, then I looked it up and ...”

“You looked me up?” Aaron doesn’t look even remotely cool with it, his shoulders are hunched and he scowls. “Who the fuck does that?”

“What do you have to hide?”

“Nothing!” Aaron shouts and Robert touches his head. “You know what ... I’ve got to go, I should ...” He moves towards the door and Robert follows him.

Something begins to click.

“You worried I’d find out about Jackson?”

He doesn’t mean to be malicious, it’s the first thing that comes to mind and he has _no_ idea why Aaron turns around and slams him hard against the wall like he’s just threatened to shoot him.

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” Aaron’s shouting, he’s got him pinned up against a wall and his eyes are shiny with tears. He’s fucking insane.

“Me?” Robert says, grapples for breath as he looks down at Aaron. “Let go of me.”

“How do you know about Jackson?”

“Google.” Robert snaps. He searches the look in Aaron’s eyes. “Aaron, I –”

He doesn’t care. He would have _said_ something if he cared. He’d searched him up one night and things came up and he kept it to himself. That’s all.

Aaron’s still holding him tight and his chin wobbles slightly as he breathes in. “You’re a murderer. You’re a monster and you stand there — trying to speak about Jackson to me like we’re even slightly the same.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “I didn’t ...”

Aaron nods his head shakily, “Yeah. You did. Because people like you are only fit to be nasty, _evil_.”

“Yeah?” Robert stares stunned for a second, thinks about whatever stupid progress he’s thought they’d undergone.

Aaron gives a curt nod. “Yeah.”

“Am I going to die too then?” Now _that_ is nasty.

Aaron instantly lets go, he surveys Robert with his eyes and Robert knows he’s homing in on the red mark across his neck. He watches as Aaron furiously wipes tears from his face. “I quit.” He says. “Fuck — _fuck_ you.” He doesn’t say anything else; Robert doesn’t say anything back. He just watches him walk back to his car and drive away.

He’s glad that he’s gone.

—

Cain calls him an idiot, tells him that he’s keeping him off cases for a bit like it’s punishment for Aaron being sensitive. He tries to tell him he freaked out, that all he knows is Aaron used to bodyguard for someone called Jackson and he died on his watch, but just the sound of his name gets Cain’s back up.

So he’s at home, being told to keep his mouth shut and not to let anyone in. Apparently Lawrence is telling anyone he can about who shot him.

—

He debates trying to get in contact with Aaron, reach out and apologise and get him back on side. He thinks about how easy it was, the way they spoke the other night. He could feel that softness melting between them.

The prospect of becoming mates or whatever didn’t making him want to pull a face. It made him want to smile. He’s quick to realise that it makes him weak.

—

There’s a hit to the back of his head and he falls.

All he can see is a shadow of someone walking away from him.

—

The next thing he remembers is waking up in hospital with a nurse leaning over him trying to get his attention. Naturally he panics, fights against the way she touches his shoulder and tells him to calm down like that’ll work even slightly.

“What — what’s –”

“You’re in hospital Robert, you’ve been attacked but we’ve got you help in time.”

“In time?” Robert mumbles, which clearly means before things got _bad_ , before he died.

Something thumps hard in his chest as the news sinks in. He lets himself try and lean up and then feels himself being forced to lay back down again when it hurts too much.

“Will I be ... alright?” Robert asks, mainly because everywhere hurts but also because he can’t remember anything. He _needs_ to remember.

The nurse gives him a small smile, “You’re wounds will heal, you had a nasty hit to the head but that’s getting better too. The police are here, they’d like to have a chat when you’re ready.”

Robert gulps hard against the thought and eases up on the bed slightly before nodding.

The nurse turns to leave before she looks back, smiles and says, “Oh, your boyfriend is here. He’s been waiting to see you too.”

And that makes his eyes feel funny, they go all beady and he frowns as he tries to sit up. “My what?”

She only laughs and disappears out the room for a second. The thought of Cain pretending to be his boyfriend to get in to see him is the most disturbing thing he’s ever thought of. He winces against it before the door opens again and she walks in with someone behind her.

Aaron.

He looks bouncy, nervous or something and he rubs his hands together awkwardly whilst the nurse fills him in on his state.

“Right, cheers.” Aaron scratches his head before looking at Robert and watching the nurse go through the door. He’s silent for the longest time before Robert tries to sit up and speak. “No don’t, you’re fragile.” He whispers, that voice of his is back, the soft gentle tone that makes Robert stare.

Aaron hardly meets his eye though, so it doesn’t even matter that he’s looking at him.

“I don’t even know what happened.”

“You were running, in the park.” Aaron walks towards the bed and then stops, puts his hand in his pocket. “Some woman walking her dog found ya.”

Robert frowns. “Got attacked in the morning? How brave of ‘em.”

“Well I wasn’t around to keep watch was I?” Aaron’s still not even looking up and Robert frowns at him.

“This isn’t down to you.”

Aaron shuffles on his feet and then sniffs. “Look at the state of ya.” And Robert doesn’t know how bad it is but his face hurts to move so he can only imagine.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be getting Cain to dock your wages.”

“Robert.” Aaron says, presses down on the pole on the side of the bed. “Don’t joke.”

Robert frowns gently. “I’m alright.” Aaron dips his head. He still can’t look at him properly. “You were right to go.” He says. “What I said was ... I shouldn’t have said that.”

Aaron visibly gulps and then breathes in before his face twitches slightly.

“I don’t know everything.” Robert decides on saying.

Aaron raises his head.

“So I shouldn’t have ... said anything.” It’s clear that he doesn’t know everything, it’s clear that there was _something_ between him and Jackson for Aaron to react the way he did. He thinks about Aaron, the smell of death looming over him again now he’s driving around a killer. He plays with his hands against the silence Aaron offers.

“I said a lot too.” Aaron settles on saying. “You don’t make me ... feel sick.”

Robert frowns. “Don’t remember you saying that.”

Aaron pulls a face, nose raised, and head tilted slightly. “Maybe I just thought that one.” He says, it eases something, just something. “Shouldn’t have just quit on you like that.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” Robert likes it that way, he always has.

“Feels like I do.” Aaron says, shrugs his shoulders like he doesn’t even get it himself, he seems lost in the thought for a second.

“Is that why you came?” Robert asks, genuinely interested, confused even, because he didn’t expect it. He thought of Cain, no one else, which is sad and tragic, he knows.

Aaron nods and Robert smiles.

“I’ve grown on you.”

“Wouldn’t go that far.” Aaron says, he physically steps back from the bed a little and bites his lip.

“I have.” Robert says. “Why else would you call me your boyfriend to get in here?”

Aaron’s turning colour, red. “Well how ... else was I supposed to get in? Could play the homophobia card if she gave me any trouble.” He shrugs and then he looks at Robert properly for the first time. He quickly looks away. “So can we just draw a line under that?”

Robert brings a hand up and pretends to draw one. “Done.” He mumbles and Aaron looks at him in a way he can’t describe.

The moment lasts until, “I should ring Cain.” Aaron goes to step out of the room and then Robert calls out his name.

“Thank you.” He says simply, Aaron nods his head slowly before leaving.

—

Cain’s taking him off cases for a few days until he gets better. He’s still in hospital because apparently he’s dehydrated, and his head wound isn’t healing as nicely as they thought it would.

He isn’t really complaining. It’s safer here he supposes.

“Why didn’t you tell the police anything?” Aaron’s asking, he’s eating Robert’s toast and then eyes up his orange juice like he’s the sick patient and not the visitor.

Robert just gives him a look. “Tell them the man I tried to kill is on a crusade to kill me?”

Aaron pulls a face and then sticks a leg up on the chair. It looks uncomfortable but he doesn’t change the look on his face even slightly. “How comes he’s after you this badly anyway?” Robert still just gives him a look. “Yeah I know you tried to kill him and everything but ... seems a bit excessive.”

Robert nearly smiles, Aaron’s getting it.

“Yeah well, he tried seducing me before I shot him.”

Aaron nearly chokes. “Jesus.” He says. “Isn’t he ancient?”

Robert shrugs and then scowls. “I wouldn’t have actually done anything.”

“Sure.” Aaron grimaces before leaning back. “You scared?”

The heaviness of the question hangs high in the air, but Robert doesn’t feel offended by how invasive it is. It speaks volume really and he’s noticed ever since Aaron wasn’t there and he got hurt that something has changed. Aaron seems a little more responsible for him.

“Not really.” Robert says. “Not with you around anyway.” He teases. “Hitman’s bodyguard.”

“It’s not funny.”

Robert nods quickly. “Oh it is. It’s hilarious.”

—

Aaron helps him through the door of his and shouts at him about seven times for being so slow.

“I got hit on the back of the head and beaten up.” Robert says as he settles down on the sofa and watches Aaron get him a glass of water. He isn’t exactly being fussed over or anything but it’s enough to warrant a little confusion and Aaron just frowns at him.

“What?”

Robert frowns awkwardly. “Nothing. You’re just being ... nice.”

“Should I piss off then?” Aaron snaps and then he blinks quickly and sighs. “Sorry.” He scratches the back of his neck and then sits next to Robert.

“ _I_ should be sorry.”

“Robert ...”

“We were nasty to each other. I was ... and you just forgave it?”

Aaron plays with his hands, looks down and away from Robert. “You got hurt.” He says. “Puts things into perspective or whatever.” Robert’s heart beats a little faster. “You’re in danger. You need someone to be there for you and I said I would, so let’s just focus on that instead.”

Robert nods a little. “I’d like that.” He says, leaning back on the sofa and then watching Aaron staring down the floor.

They sit in silence for a while, it stretches between them and the atmosphere tightens whilst Aaron twitches.

“We were together. Me and Jackson.” Aaron bites his lip and keeps his head down like he doesn’t want Robert to really say anything. “He was some ... architect in charge of doing some new high-rise buildings and things got a little nasty over it. There were protests or whatever, so he needed a bodyguard. I was desperate, thought I could handle being the big man. I begged him for the job.” He stops and laughs bitterly. “Took pity on a stupid kid and I said I’d protect him from anything. He was the only thing that mattered, protecting him. Then he uh ... I fell for him. He fell for me. It got messy.”

Robert keeps looking at him, listening in and trying to stop from interrupting.

“We had this row and I left. He got in the car by himself and he had an accident, he was looking down at his phone. I was ringing him.”

Robert sits up, eyes wide, says, “Aaron ...”

Aaron just shakes his head, shiny blue eyes telling Robert to shut the fuck up as kindly as he can. “He was paralysed, I basically became his caretaker until he wanted out. I helped him. He couldn’t do it himself.” Aaron rubs a hand across his face in one sweep and then sniffs. “I killed him.”

“He wanted you to.” Robert says slowly. He can understand that look underneath what Aaron’s attempting to say. “You’re right, it’s not the sa— Aaron I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t know.” Aaron says, looks at Robert now like he has the strength to. “I knew you wouldn’t have ‘cause ... Cain wouldn’t have told you. He only knows through me.”

Robert’s eyes flicker slowly. “He wasn’t there when it happened?”

Aaron scoffs, like the thought is unimaginable. “No.” He says. “I’ve only just come back. Fresh start. It’s why I’m changing my name and everything.” He scratches the side of his head and hugs himself a little.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” Aaron says. “When I found out about you being found in the park, it just bought it all back that’s all.” He rubs a hand across his face again. “I’m ... I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry about anything.” Robert offers, he leans over a little bit. “We’re mates now aren’t we? You can trust me Aaron, even though I’m a ... monster and all that."

He thinks of it, himself, like night and day all at the same time.

Aaron sniffs. “You’re not.” He mumbles before looking down at the hand Robert has on his knee. “You’re not Robert.”

Robert wants to believe him.

—

“He’s out of hospital.” He groans as he sits up on his chair, breath ragged as his back clicks and he tries to keep calm.

“I’ll get him next time. Don’t you worry.”

**—**

Aaron walks in on Robert looking at men on his phone and he arches an eyebrow like he just has to comment.

“Up for a bit of muscle?”

Robert jumps and puts his phone down. “Bloody stalker.” He says before catching the water bottle from Aaron and twisting it open. Aaron waves out a chocolate bar and he shakes his head. “No thanks.”

Aaron acts like he’s just thrown himself off a cliff.

“I’m trying to get in better shape if you must know.”

Aaron folds his arms and nods. “Hence the fit blokes?”

Robert nods. “That and they’re alright to look at.” He plays with his phone as Aaron sits near the window like he always does. He’s just sort of looking at him and Robert frowns. “What?”

“Well I could help you out there.” Aaron says. “Part of the whole bodyguard thing is me protecting you right?” Robert nods. “Should help you defend yourself too.”

“I can’t box.”

“Yeah.” Aaron laughs at him. “Can’t really see it happening but we can try and teach you how to defend yourself.”

“Cain did that.”

“Without a gun.” Aaron points out with a smirk. It’s how they end up in his gym the day later, Robert’s still slightly unsteady on his feet but Aaron’s got him punching a battered up punchbag and telling him to put more welly into it.

“I’m trying.” Robert says. “Remember when I said I’m not a boxer.” He turns towards Aaron and then turns back again. “So this is hardly my strong suit.”

Aaron’s clearly enjoying this, he’s practically got his phone out to record and Robert lunges for him to stop. It turns into Aaron trying to teach him how to get the upper hand. He corners him and aims low as he punches lightly and tells Robert to fight back.

He does for a bit; he has pictures in his head that help and Aaron’s on the floor out of breath fifteen minutes later.

“Not bad.” Aaron says. He brings a knee up towards his chest and watches Robert go back to the punching bag before he sighs heavily. “Move your body a bit, you plank.”

Robert goes to turn when he feels Aaron’s hands on his waist steering him like a car. He freezes slightly and then starts punching again, listening to Aaron encourage him before he stills and looks back at Aaron. He’s still holding his waist and he steps out of his way when Robert stares down and then up again.

“You ... that was better.” Aaron says, he has a small weak smile on his face, and he scratches his beard a little.

“Maybe even better than you.” Robert says, he leans again and jabs Aaron in the stomach before Aaron can react. “See. Too ...”

He can’t finish his sentence before Aaron’s pulling him towards the ground in one swoop and leaving Robert breathless.

“Slow? Don’t think so mate.”

Robert looks up and laughs. “That’s why you’re the ... bodyguard then.” He stares up with his mouth partly open. Eventually he gets up slowly, watches Aaron do the same before pulling a face. “God I stink.”

Aaron raises a hand up. “Just a bit. There’s showers in ...” He stops talking when Robert takes off his top and runs it through his hair.

“In where?”

Aaron gulps. “Through the double doors.” He nods for no reason. “I’ll uh ... wait in the car yeah?”

Robert nods. “Cool.” He says, Aaron pulls a face like he’s going to call Robert old but decides against it.

Robert walks through the double doors.

—

Cain’s not asked him to come in for ages, but he does. He’s bored at home twiddling his thumbs about and Cain should know better. Him and Aaron are also friends now so there’s no need for him to be banished from the office.

The club’s dark and gloomy like usual when he arrives, only Belle isn’t by the bar and Robert can hear Aaron’s husky voice telling Cain to shut up. It gets his back up, makes his eyes widen because he’s smart enough to know that this is unprecedented.

He doesn’t know what to do as he listens, against the door like some spy.

“I said leave it alone, ignore it.” Aaron says, he sounds like he’s fighting back this need to explode. “And I _meant_ it.”

Cain huffs. “Can’t you see that I’m trying to help ya?”

“How?” Aaron shouts. “All you’re doing is dredging shit up over and over again.”

Cain’s suddenly silent.

“Alright.”

“Good.” Robert hears Aaron say, then there’s footsteps and he dips towards the toilets as he watches Aaron thunder down the stairs.

“What you doing here?” Cain’s asking when Robert eventually plucks up the courage to step into his office.

“You hadn’t called me in. Thought I’d see how things are ticking over.”

Cain shrugs. “Ross’ stepping up a bit.”

Robert instantly frowns, deep and serious. “Ross?” He says. “Are you serious?”

“He works for me too you know.”

“He’s a head-case.” Robert argues. “You only keep him on because of Donna and that fuck up.”

That fuck up included Ross falling in love with a police officer, her finding out, turning bent and then plunging to her death with the bloke Ross was supposed to kill. He’s never been the same since, Robert cares a little and not a lot.

Cain points his head up and shakes it. “Was there anything else?”

“Yeah. Do I get a new case or?”

Cain shrugs. “Business is slow. Like you after your attack.”

And he _isn’t_ actually. He’s _fine_.

“Anything else?”

“Yeah. You could stop pissing Aaron off because he only takes it out on me and we’re trying to get on so ...”

“What did you hear?” Cain’s suddenly serious and Robert just shrugs.

“You having a go, him having a go back, nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Well it’s none of your business.” Cain tells him.

He wants to ask more but then he thinks of the whole Jackson debacle and keeps his mouth shut.

“Fine.”

—

Ross has slick black hair and a dodgy nose from fighting, but he still likes to think he’s an absolute catch. He wears black bombers like Aaron does and almost permanently has a black eye for his troubles.

“You’re sure this won’t come back on me?” Ross is hunched over the bar when Robert approaches. He’s almost curved in on himself and Robert hears him mention money again. “I’ll call you back.” He’s off the phone as he sees Robert.

“Hope you ain’t taking dodgy jobs again.” Ross is a traitor, out for money to replace what he cannot have so Robert isn’t remotely surprised. “But I’m guessing you are.”

Ross keeps his head down. He says absolutely nothing until he sighs. “Don’t tell Cain will you now?”

Robert rolls his eyes. “I’m not a grass.” He says, he goes to say something else to put Ross down when his phone goes, and he sees it’s Aaron. “Better go.”

“Lover boy?”

Robert frowns. “Aaron.”

“Lover boy it is then.” Ross slides off the stool and smiles.

—

Aaron’s graced Robert with his presence, they’re having Chinese because Aaron still thinks Robert’s going to keel over or something and won’t let him cook.

“Cain’s letting me come back.” He says smugly. It’s been nearly two weeks of nothing, and he knows Aaron will think he’s weird for missing it all but he is. There’s just this routine to it that’s made him feel whole for so long.

Aaron nods, pulls this unassuming face like he’s not entirely pleased but also not entirely pissed off either. “New person then?”

“Yeah. Bloke’s called Jai.” Robert says, he passes over a small file and then looks at Aaron’s expression as he reads. “What?”

“Just says he deserves it.” Aaron says. “That he’s done things in his past ...” He looks up as he stops reading. “Doesn’t even say what for.”

Robert dips his head. “And?”

“ _And_ you’re supposed to know aren’t ya?” Aaron sits up a little and scowls like he used to do all the time. Robert‘s eyes flicker a little.

Robert says, “Cain’ll know why.”

Aaron looks away.

“What?” Robert asks, heart drumming in his chest.

“Nothing.” Only Aaron scratches his elbow and looks like he’s holding back a soliloquy or something

“Aaron, he’s done wrong. That’s all I need to know. He’ll get what’s coming to him ‘cause that’s how it works.”

“And you’ve never done something bad? Something you regret?” Aaron’s firing questions, only he doesn’t seem filled with anger anymore. It’s like he’s trying to get through to Robert, open his eyes, make him realise the error of his terrible ways.

Robert shuts down against it completely.

“They’re bad people. I’m not the bad guy here.” Robert says, he points to himself, then looks back down at the picture of the man he’s going to kill. He shudders inwardly and then looks up at Aaron. “What?”

“You think any bad guy thinks _they_ are the bad guy?” Aaron asks the question and it hangs in the air heavily.

Robert just looks away and hogs the prawn crackers for the rest of the night.

—

He’s walking into the office three days later when he feels himself being hurled up against the door by Cain. He’s so shocked that he doesn’t even have time to reach for his gun.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Cain’s shouting, his voice is deep and loud, and Isaac stands behind him looking sheepish.

“What?” Robert stammers, feels Cain gripping hold of his grey jumper, almost tearing it as he presses him hard against the wall. Cain turns to Isaac and tells him to leave them to it. “Cain ...”

“Jai Sharma’s alive and well.” Robert’s face falls. “What? You thought it wouldn’t get back to me?”

Robert just stands there, willing his mouth to open, for him to explain that Jai‘s got a family and the hit was a misplaced sense of anger from a drug addict.

“Cain we don’t ... we don’t do that stuff.” Robert whispers. “He hadn’t done anything ...”

Cain’s grip is even harder now, and Robert tries to breathe. “That’s your job to decide now?”

“No.”

“No.” Cain echoes. “You’re paid to do what I say.” He shakes his head and then Robert looks down. He feels like he’s being scolded by his _dad_ and it hurts more than he wants it to. If Cain could chill the fuck out it’d be great. “Not just let them go when you’ve suddenly developed a conscience.”

The conscience walks in, opening the door slowly and looking at his uncle or whatever he is to him holding Robert’s shirt.

“Isaac says there was bother.”

Cain lets go slowly and stares at Aaron before staring back at Robert. “Next time you let someone get away, you’ll be more than sorry.”

And then he leaves, and Robert can’t even look up.

“You let him go?” Aaron says, they’re at a red light and Robert’s looking out the window like a sad puppy.

“He didn’t deserve it.” He wasn’t the bad guy. He was the man cowering and saying that he’s got children, a business, a whole family and that he’s lost someone through drugs which means he’ll never go back to it.

Aaron makes this clicking sound with his tongue and then breathes out, says, “I thought ...”

Robert looks at Aaron. “How about you stop thinking. Stop getting in my head.” He snaps at him. He doesn’t mean it to come out like that, it sounds deep and sad and _heavy_.

“I didn’t mean to ...”

“He’s not the bad guy. That’s what you made me think, Cain could have killed me for messing up.”

Aaron frowns, eyes flickering. “You didn’t mess up.”

Robert just stares at him, heart thudding in his chest. “What world do you live in?”

Aaron bites his lip and keeps his mouth closed.

—

Robert doesn’t hear from Aaron until later on in the week, he sends a text saying he’s not feeling great and Robert feels something about. Instead of chucking his phone across the sofa and pressing play on his show, he sits up straighter and then grabs for his coat.

He’s not even sure where he’s going, he has no idea where Aaron lives but he remembers him mentioning a certain street near his, a park he goes jogging in sometimes.

He makes it to the park ten minutes later and sits slowly on a bench for a second trying to think of where else to look. He’s there for five minutes when he sees someone across from him walking quickly down the road.

“Aaron.” Robert calls out, he has his hands deep in his pockets as he jogs over and sees the man halt and look down. He’s wearing a grey hoodie almost covering his whole face and he doesn’t look up when Robert is standing right in front of him. “Sick right?”

“Said I was didn’t I?” Aaron says, he sounds distant, like he’s trying to keep things together, but Robert knows him too well now.

“So what’s up?”

Aaron kicks the ground and goes to leave when Robert holds him by the shoulder and the twist of moment makes Aaron’s hoodie drop slightly. His face is almost purple on the left side and his eye is black, cuts jagged across his right cheek.

“What the fuck happened?” Robert whispers, there’s a tightness to his voice as he homes in and tries to hold Aaron’s face but then decides against it. “Aaron.”

“I — nothing. It’s nothing.” Aaron says, he goes to move again but Robert leans in closer and shakes his head.

“Let me take a look.” Robert says, and Aaron still shakes his head. He says he doesn’t need any help when he clearly does. “You can either come back to mine, or we can go to Cain.”

Aaron walks back with him slowly in silence and Robert thinks about things heavily in his mind. He almost can’t look at him, there’s this gnawing sense of guilt that can’t budge.

“Just wait here yeah?” Robert smiles faintly when they’re back at his and he’s walking into the en-suite. Aaron’s sitting at the edge of his bed and looking around and Robert realises he’s obviously never been up here before. There’s a rush of something in his chest that dies as Aaron speaks.

“‘S’all grey in here.”

“Fifty shades.” Robert says, he hugs the first aid box and stands by the door before walking into the room and sitting on the bed beside Aaron. He’s rolling his eyes at the comment and looks the brightest he has all day. “Got to keep it all mysterious and that.”

“Or you’re just dead boring.” Aaron says, he smiles faintly and then hisses. Robert gets his hands in the first aid box and Aaron sighs. “I’ve done all this before.”

Robert frowns and looks at the state of Aaron’s face. “Something tells me you’ve dabbed some cotton wool on it a few days ago and done nothing else since.” Aaron looks away and Robert gets out some bandage and a cotton bud. “Hold still.”

Aaron jumps slightly at first, his hand instinctively falls on Robert’s arm and he squeezes down slightly as his face is cleared up.

“Fucking stings that.” Aaron says, his hand squeezes even tighter and Robert leans closer to work quicker around the bruising.

“It’ll help. Trust me.” Robert rubs something thick into Aaron’s cheek and around the bottom of his eye before leaning away.

“You an expert?”

Robert pulls a face. “Been punched a couple of times in my life yeah.” He says before closing the box and looking at Aaron. “That what happened with you?”

Aaron looks away, he hesitates and then goes to speak but Robert’s already shaking his head.

“Look, I’m so sorry.” Robert says, he scratches the side of his head and gulps. “I know you’re paid to protect me but ... you getting hurt because of it just feels wrong.” He mumbles, feels almost shy when he looks up and sees Aaron’s mouth hanging open. “You don’t need to look so shocked.”

“I’m not. It’s just ... it wasn’t your fault.”

Robert sighs. “Someone hurt you because you’re protecting me.”

Aaron shakes his head, hesitates. “I’m a big boy. I gave as good as I got.” He almost tries to smile and Robert just frowns.

“You’re lying.”

Aaron’s face falls. “Just leave it.”

“Did they sneak up behind you?” Robert says, he feels himself getting worked up even thinking about it and he really needs to calm down. Aaron looks down. “Bastards.”

“I’m fine.” Aaron says. “It’s fine, OK?”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “If you want to stop doing this then it’s –”

“Would you stop being so dramatic?”

“You didn’t want me to see.” Robert says slowly. “You were avoiding me?” He plays with a piece of loose string from the box and looks up at Aaron.

Aaron sighs hard. “Didn’t think you needed the stress of it. Clearly I was right.” He says with a small smile on his face. “You’re like an old woman.” Robert twitches, goes to stand and Aaron holds his arm again. “Thanks.”

Robert gulps hard. “You’re helping me, let me help you.” He says, shrugs slightly and Aaron peels his hand away from his arm when Robert looks down. He goes towards the bathroom again before turning around. “Clearly I should get another trainer though right? You’re obviously not that good at defending your …”

Aaron chucks a pillow at him from across the room and Robert doesn’t duck in time, so it hits him square in the face.

“That’s flipping cashmere.” Robert says before throwing it back and shaking his head as Aaron lets out a little laugh.

—

“I didn’t — listen I’ve got money; I can give you anything you want. Anything.”

Robert shakes his head, tears welling in his eyes for the first time in years.

—

Robert’s sick, like hurling in the middle of the street and staggering back towards his house as the night closes in. He fishes his keys out, sways before running to the kitchen and hurling again in the sink.

He shakes, feels it rattle through him and when he closes his eyes he sees his face.

“Robert.” There’s a hand on his shoulder and he spins, teeth chattering as Aaron stands there. His face has cleaned up nicely but there’s a purple hue still under his eye. He breathes out deeply as he says something about the door being left open.

“Close ... close it.” Robert whispers before turning back around and rubbing his hands under cold water. It stings, his shoulders sag and when Aaron tries to touch his shoulder again he snaps. “Don’t touch me.”

“Robert.” Aaron says heavily, Robert closes his eyes around the emotion weighted down in Aaron’s voice.

“Go.”

“No I can’t ...” Aaron whispers. “What’s ...”

“He kept saying he was sorry.” Robert keeps rubbing his hands under the cold water. There’s a flash of a face, his face, begging, pleading, making Robert’s hands shake as he tries to focus.

“There were so many boys he hurt.” Robert shudders. “But he said he was _sorry_.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Aaron says quietly. “No one can be sorry for ... for that.” He says, he sounds panicked and ruined and emotional with it but he’s also trying to keep it together. “Robert.”

Robert keeps the tap running, his hands feel numb and he looks down at blood spiralling down the sink. He stops, hears Aaron speaking in his ear and then he feels him holding his shoulder.

“What happened?”

“Go.” Robert says again, his hands are shaking, and Aaron won’t leave. He pushes and Aaron stays where he is, he looks down at the blood on Robert’s hands, stained and bruised. “I said go.” He whispers, his voice is hardly there but he tries.

He feels something break in his chest and the next thing he feels is Aaron holding his hands. They must be freezing but he doesn’t let go, instead he guides him towards the sofa and tells him not to move. He comes back with a cup of tea and a worried look like Robert’s the victim here.

“You didn’t tell me you were doing ... going out.” Aaron says, he sits on the sofa next to Robert and wipes his hands up and down his thighs. He looks riddled with this worry that Robert doesn’t understand.

Robert rubs his hands together. “It was a last-minute thing.” He whispers. “Thought it would be done with sooner than it was.”

Aaron bounces his leg up and down before bringing his hands together and saying, “What happened?”

Robert cowers, closes his eyes and sees him fighting with the man on the floor, hitting him in the face as his hands reached up to Robert’s throat.

“It got ugly.” Robert whispers. “He got my gun; he was struggling with it.” He closes his eyes. “He … uh was a social worker, messed around with a bunch of boys when they were little. One of them wanted revenge.”

Aaron slides a hand down his thigh again and bites at his lip. He doesn’t say anything, just looks like he’s about to be sick.

“I don’t blame him.” Robert breathes in. “He looked like a monster Aaron. I thought I’d be quick, but he didn’t make it easy. He made it ...”

“But you did ...”

Robert remembers picking something up, dropping it down again and it making this _sound_. The man stopped moving all together.

“Fucking hell.” Aaron whispers as he looks down at the floor.

“I did that.” Robert has tears pooling in his eyes again and his hands begin to shake.

Aaron just stares at him in shock, his mouth parted and eyes wide and soft. He leans over and holds Robert by the chin. “World’s a better place without him in it.” He says shakily.

“Should do myself in too then.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Don’t be daft. Don’t say that.” He says more firmly. He keeps hold of Robert’s chin, but his touch softens, and he strokes kindly. “It’s OK.” He whispers and Robert shudders.

He doesn’t remember the last time someone’s ever been this gentle with him about _this_. It makes everything inside him harden.

“ _No_.” Robert says, it feels like he’s drowning and Aaron out of all people is trying to keep him afloat. It feels like all too much and not enough at the exact same time.

Aaron nods. “It is.” He whispers, he runs a hand close to Robert’s and then halts. “You’re going to be OK.”

“I don’t know why I’m acting like —“

Aaron gulps nervously. “You’re in shock.” He tells him. “Just try and ... get some sleep or something. I’ll get you a glass of water yeah?”

Robert watches him leave and lays down on the sofa, a blanket at the bottom of his feet is pulled by him across his front and he stares up at the ceiling with his eyes wide.

“Here.” Aaron’s voice is close, and he jumps slightly. “Shit, sorry.” He mumbles. Robert takes the glass, sips quietly before passing it back and staring up at the ceiling again. He breathes out deeply and feels Aaron watching as he closes his eyes, tries to draw himself into a deep sleep.

“I should ...”

Robert’s eyes open. “No, please don’t.” He almost can’t bare it. “Please ... stay.”

Aaron’s expression turns from shock to a weird soft look that Robert holds onto. “OK. I’m here.” He says, he nods and then reaches over to turn a small lamp on.

Robert wakes up the next day to the sound of someone pottering about near him, fixing up the coffee table and fluffing pillows. His eyes flicker open to see Aaron standing in a blue jumper, his eyes look kind and sincere as he stares.

“Morning.”

Robert’s eyes widen and then he looks at the small heap of cushions and a blanket sprawled out on the floor near him. “You stayed here?” He says. He can’t remember the night before but blames the way his head‘s aching.

Aaron nods slowly and Robert leans up to see that he’s not wearing the shirt he was the night before. Instead he’s in a navy top and pants, it makes Aaron blush slightly when Robert looks at him.

“You didn’t want to sleep in them, you’d got blood on your ...” Robert closes his eyes as Aaron speaks, he’s never had this before, never not remembered a night after a hit. He feels so vulnerable it aches.

“I’m sorry.” Robert really is. “You didn’t ... I’m sorry you had to stay.”

“You asked me to.” Aaron says, like it’s nothing.

“I did?” Robert thinks to himself; he sees himself holding Aaron’s hand and telling him not to leave him all by himself. He remembers telling him that he’s scared to be alone. “I did.” He whispers.

He looks up and sees that Aaron’s eyes are flickering and he’s scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

“New colour.” Robert points at Aaron’s jumper.

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Had it in the back of my car.”

“Finally let it out for everyone to see.”

“Only you.” Aaron almost laughs and then he bites his lip again. “Are you alright?” Robert looks away. “You were a right state last night.”

“Because it didn’t go to plan.” Robert says, he sits up further on the sofa and then sees that Aaron must have slept on the floor because there’s a blanket there. He feels something and then ignores it. “He made it messy and –”

“And what?”

Robert sighs hard. “I had _you_ in my head telling me that I’m the bad guy so ...”

“You were right about it not being that black and white.” Aaron says. “It can never be that easy.” Robert’s head dips and he feels it, Aaron’s understanding. He didn’t know he needed it.

“Can I make you a coffee or something?” Robert says as he stands, he reaches for a blanket because of the cold and Aaron looks away like he thinks it’s because he’s stood in his boxers. It isn’t, well it _is_ but Robert almost hasn’t got the head space to think about Aaron undressing him the night before.

Aaron doesn’t say anything for the longest time and then frowns. “No, it’s fine.” He whispers, “I need to take care of a few things.” He suddenly looks away.

“Anything ... I should ... I mean ... I can help with?”

“No.” Aaron says, “No, it’s fine.” He mumbles before he comes forward and strokes at Robert’s shoulder. Robert stares down at him and frowns. “You had some fluff.” He says, and then he clears his throat. “I’ll see you later yeah?”

“Yeah.” Robert whispers, he tries to get out a thank you, but Aaron shuts the door and leaves before he can.

—

He doesn’t hear from him. It’s been three days since his mini breakdown, and he feels more than a little embarrassed about it all. He’s eating a Caesar salad in some small cafe in town and trying to make out like he’s not bothered by it all when he sees Belle approach him.

“What you doing here?” She asks, a hand over a small leather bag, Cain’s probably nicked for her, hanging on her waist. “Shouldn’t you be keeping your head down.”

He shrugs, she’s going to stay exactly where she is until he answers properly so he sighs and tells her that he needed some fresh air.

“Oh.” She says. “Does Cain know?”

“Don’t care. Where’s Aaron?” He asks. He doesn’t want to go around the point anymore and Belle seems to understand. She doesn’t give him anything though, just arches an eyebrow.

“He’s about.” She says, after a second or two of nothing but fidgeting.

“He’s supposed to around.” Robert says, before looking down. “With me.”

Belle crosses her arms over. “Well he’s got other things on.”

“Other people he’s protecting?” Robert asks.

“Jealous?”

And well there isn’t any need for that is there? A swooping feeling of embarrassment rushes through him until she walks away.

—

Robert goes to Cain the next day. “Has something happened to Aaron?” He’s in the middle of talking to Isaac but Robert barges into the office and Cain sighs hard.

“What?” He hisses.

“Aaron. Has something happened.” He remembers why he wasn’t around before and it boils over inside. “Because we should do something about ...”

Cain stands slowly. “He’s fine, just busy with his own stuff.” Robert goes to speak and Cain frowns. “He ain’t getting paid still if that’s what you’re on about.”

Robert dips his head and nods lightly. “Fine.” He says. He almost can’t look up again, but Cain’s massive frown makes him. “Just, you know, what happened last time made me ...”

“His face?” Cain almost instantly hardens, and Robert realises almost embarrassingly quickly that of course Aaron would have Cain looking out for him. “He’s sound now.”

Robert nods again and then Cain’s phone goes off. “I’ll let you take that.” He says before disappearing out the door.

—

The house is quiet. He didn’t realise it was this quiet when he was alone, he can’t remember the last time he had to think about it this much.

He thinks for a bit too long and then gets bogged down by the thought of Aaron not being around. He has his phone number; he gave it out to him for emergencies and although this isn’t one he feels the need to call him. To ask if he’s alright, who he’s with, who he’s protecting now. He wonders if Cain knows about it, if he cares.

The thought of it drums in his head and he gets up, walks around the place and then goes towards the fridge. He’s got a bottle of wine in there and he takes it out lazily before suddenly hearing the sound of glass breaking. He cowers, his mind swirling as he hears this commotion, this _sound_ out of nowhere and he knows what it is. He knows it’s the sound of a _gun_.

“Fucking hell.” Robert kneels under the cabinet; the wine bottle is scattered against the floor in tiny pieces and his hands are shaking. He has small cuts scattered across his palm that he attempts to ignore as the pool of wine surfaces across the tiles. His hands are pressed down shakily on the floor as he waits, heart thudding over and over again and suddenly he’s grateful that he hadn’t even turned the lights on yet. It looks like he wasn’t home, that he’s had a lucky escape, that this is another _warning_.

He’s not even sure how much time passes but he closes his eyes and breathes out until he hears the sound of footsteps over broken glass. He’s shaking, desperately trying to reach out for something to grab hold to. He holds his breath in, feels it closing in around him before he looks up, sees _Aaron_.

“Robert.” Aaron’s eyes are wet as he comes closer and Robert kicks his legs out, protects himself and starts to push Robert away from him.

“Don’t.” He says. He’s still shaking when Aaron kneels down towards him.

“Robert.” He says, different now, more wrecked and firmer as he reaches out. “What’s ...”

“Is anyone here with you?”

Aaron’s face falls. “ _No_.” He says as he shakes his head. “Trust me.” He holds his hands out, face red and puffy and matching Robert’s.

Robert blows out a breath and then stands uneasily before he starts pacing about the place, one foot in front of the other over and over again. “Someone ... someone ...” He stops dead when he sees the bullet wound in the window. “That was meant for me.” He runs a hand through his hair and then turns to Aaron. “Get out.” He says. “Get out right now.”

“Robert.” Aaron says heavily, there’s a deep rushing feeling between Robert and him that nearly takes over. He reaches out before holding back again and bringing a hand across his mouth.

Robert shakes his head at his name, moves towards Aaron and says, “You were supposed to be _here_ , you fucked off.” He has a hand in front of his face as he waves. “You just disappeared. I was fucking worried about you. I thought something had ... had happened.” Aaron comes closer towards him. “No.” He says when Aaron holds at his cheek, tells him he’s sorry.

“I didn’t ...” Aaron’s eyes are red raw, glassy and shining. “I came back.”

“Too fucking late.”

Aaron’s hand falls onto Robert’s cheek and he shudders. “I’m so sorry.” He whispers. Only Robert pushes him, he pushes at him and Aaron holds his arms. “Robert, please.” He whispers and then suddenly Robert’s up against the wall and Aaron’s restraining him. “I’m sorry.”

“You weren’t here.” Robert says, he tries to push Aaron again, but Aaron holds his face instead. He just relaxes into his arms and feels them both panting, it rings through the room. His hands are still shaking, they’re trembling, and Aaron holds them, he holds them and keeps staring right into Robert’s eyes.

“I’m here now. No one’s hurting you now.” Aaron’s breathing hard as he speaks. Robert stares back at him, heart beating, thudding hard in his chest over and over again until he looks at Aaron’s mouth. Half parted.

He’s still panting, Aaron’s still pinned him to the wall and yet he leans in hard and kisses him. He doesn’t know what takes over him, but Aaron’s here, he’s back and he’s fucking terrified but this, he wants _this_. Aaron’s hands find a place in Robert’s hair as Robert holds Aaron’s face and presses further until he reaches for Aaron’s belt. He’s quick with his moments, panting hard against Aaron’s neck as he leans back on the wall and closes his eyes.

He keeps them closed until Aaron’s unbuckling his belt and taking him in his hands. It’s been a fucking long time since someone’s _touched_ him, since a _man’s_ touched him, and he shudders a little.

Aaron looks up at him, hooded soft eyes and lips bruised red. “We don’t have to ...”

“I want to.” Robert leans forward and nearly buckles as Aaron holds him in his hands again, moving up and down slowly and then telling Robert to turn around.

He does, slowly, before turning back and sinking to his knees.

“That can wait.” Aaron whispers, hands soft in Robert’s hair, still panting. “Let me.” He says. He doesn’t say let me take care of you, let me make it up to you, but that’s there. Robert knows, so he stands and kisses Aaron hard on the mouth again.

It feels frantic, the way Aaron grapples for Robert’s clothes and turns him against the wall hard.

It feels good.


	2. Chapter 2

Robert wakes up the next day to the sound of his neighbour walking her stupid dog. He opens his eyes against the white walls of his bedroom and half expects to see Aaron beside him. When he isn’t, something kicks in Robert’s stomach and he’s forced to remember the night before.

The anger, the pushing for Aaron to leave and then being fucked against the wall and dragging Aaron to his bedroom straight after he could walk again, for more.

He runs a hand through his hair and notices the smooth edge of skin on his shoulder is raised with the touch of Aaron. He closes his eyes and then opens them again as he remembers the glass shattering moment that he should be focusing on instead.

—

“Where we off to?”

Aaron’s hardly looking at him when he collects him later that day. They’re going to some bloke’s house, leaving a warning about something involving fraud but Robert’s reluctance is dragged across his body. He’d rather be speaking to Cain about the hit on him the night before.

“Uh ...” Robert gulps hard as he finally gets in the car and finds them completely alone like the night before. He sees the raised skin on Aaron’s neck, homes in on it completely before passing over the address. “Aaron ...” He starts but then he stops himself.

He stops himself because he _has_ to, it’s the easiest thing to do.

He plays with his phone for a little while, watches Aaron stare at him whenever the car slows down, and he struggles to stop himself asking why exactly Aaron left.

It’s all he wants to know, it’s all he thinks he has to know really in order for his mind to be put to rest over all of this.

“What’s this guy done?” Aaron says, he’s still not looking but his voice sounds completely normal. He sounds like nothing happened at all.

“Fraud.” Robert says slowly. “And he uh ... messed around with someone he shouldn’t have.” Aaron frowns, Robert bites his lip. “He slept with someone who he shouldn’t have.”

Aaron gulps around the silence he offers. “Well uh ... everyone makes mistakes.” He says.

“Yeah.” Robert says. “Which is why it’s a warning. Unless it happens again.”

“It won’t.” Aaron says too quickly. “I mean ... he shouldn’t do it again.” He blinks. “If he has any sense.”

“Maybe it was worth it.” Robert looks at him and then suddenly feels rocks hitting the side of the car. “Aaron, drive!” He panics, he feels like an idiot, but he ducks, hands shaking again and the next thing he knows, the car is parked and Aaron’s holding his hands.

Seatbelts are forgotten as he keeps holding on and shaking his head. “Just stupid school kids.” He says. “Robert, it’s OK.” Only he looks down and sees that Robert’s hands are still scratched from the glass the night before. “We need to ... we didn’t clean that up.” He whispers.

Robert stops shaking, just stares up at Aaron with these wide eyes.

“I’m not letting _anyone_ hurt you.” Aaron says, because someone walks past, and Robert instinctively tightens. “No one.” He whispers before he leans closer and rests his forehead against Robert’s. “I shouldn’t have left you.” He mumbles before gulping. “Not then ... not this morning.”

The world slows for a second as Robert tips his head up and his mouth parts slightly. Aaron’s head hangs slowly before meeting Robert’s mouth and he kisses him gently.

—

Aaron’s leg is over his as they pant hard, naked and sweaty because they couldn’t control themselves. The wooden floor is killing Robert’s back and he can’t remember how exactly they ended up here but they have. There was the door opening, Aaron slamming Robert against the wall and tugging at his leather jacket. He remembers hands tugging and pulling and not making it up the stairs.

Robert looks up and tries tilting his head towards Aaron. “So.” He says, still trying to breathe.

“Yeah.” Aaron whispers, his voice is hardly there and Robert smirks because of it.

“It happened again.” Robert says slowly, he looks down at Aaron’s body, takes him in, notices the small marks he’s left. It makes something rush through him.

“It did.” Aaron says, he turns towards Robert and then swoops in for a kiss as he holds his face. “And again.” He whispers before moving to sit on top of Robert and kissing him hard.

—

Aaron draws small circles into Robert’s arm as he holds him, his legs find their way around Robert’s again so that they look entwined. They’ve managed to stay in the bed this time and the soft quilts hang loosely now that they’re laying still.

The sky is a heavy orange colour, setting and basking them in a golden glow that makes it hard to do anything other than stare at each other.

Robert blinks, “You’re ... this sort of feels ...”

“Weird?” Aaron says. “Good weird or bad weird?”

“Good.” Robert gulps thickly. “Which is ... weird.” He laughs and Aaron gasps playfully before dipping his head. “It was bound to happen.” He decides.

“Maybe once.” Aaron says. “Out of your system sort of thing but ...” he looks at the ceiling and then smiles at Robert. “Doesn’t seem like that’s worked.”

Robert bites his lip. “Yeah.” He whispers gently.

“You’re good.” Aaron mumbles, his eyes seem filled with something Robert has never seen before as he pulls the blankets across his body and Robert feels him. Skin on skin under the covers still, naked limbs touching, sparking.

“At this?” Robert whispers. “Think I knew before but thanks.”

Aaron shakes his head lightly, a warmth following through him that Robert can latch onto. He’s starting to run his fingers into Robert’s hair, lean over a little further so that he’s nearly flat against Robert’s stomach again.

His mouth opens and then closes like he’s wavering before he reaches out, says, “You’re a good person.”

It’s scary how much Robert believes him. He just frowns at him, tells him with his eyes that he’s wrong because it’s easier that way.

Aaron presses his palm on Robert’s bare chest, a sort of intimacy Robert usually wants to escape from. “I know you are.” He says, almost as if he knows it as a definitive truth somehow.

“I’m _not_.” Robert whispers into the air. “I’m a murderer.”

Aaron grows cold around him and he expects him to leave again because of his realisation but he doesn’t, instead he moves closer, says. “I don’t see that.”

Robert closes his eyes slowly, says, “It’s all I am. It’s all there is to see.” He wants it like that, he’s never wanted to let anything else be the issue for someone. He’s a hitman, that’s enough to push someone away. It should be, it always _has_ been.

“No.” Aaron presses, he tilts Robert’s head up by his chin. “I see you.” He says, it sounds so heavy and his voice is like gravel but somehow Robert can’t turn away from it at all.

“I see you.” Robert whispers back, and he watches Aaron’s eyes flicker with something before he leans in and kisses him. They lay there, exhausted and gentle, Robert’s large hands falling over Aaron’s face and holding him closer and closer.

He feels like he can’t breathe.

Aaron’s so beautiful it hurts.

“We should get up.” Aaron mumbles against Robert’s shoulder minutes later, “We need food.”

“You could eat something right here.” Robert spreads his legs and Aaron pulls a face.

“Remind me again why I’ve shagged ya four times now?” Aaron asks, it makes Robert grin, teeth and everything.

“Because you like me.” Robert whispers against Aaron’s bare shoulder. “Even if ...”

“You’re a twat who I hated when I first saw him?"

Robert gulps hard and then he holds at Aaron’s arms. “A twat who’s killed ... three people.”

Aaron suddenly moves away, and Robert’s heart constricts slightly as his mouth dries up. The loss of connection is enough to make him try and explain.

“The bloke with Cain, someone you don’t know and ... and the man from the other night.” Robert hasn’t ever told anyone this before and his stomach _swirls_ around. “Three.”

“Three?” Aaron whispers, he doesn’t sound terrified. He sounds confused. The covers are drawn tight over his body and he arches an eyebrow high and pointed.

“Yes. Three.”

Aaron frowns, “You’re a hitman who’s killed three people?”

“What, you expected _more_?”

“Well you went on like ...” Aaron stops, and Robert looks away.

“It’s what I do, push people away by saying it. Cain doesn’t give me those jobs, well he doesn’t always. He knows me.” Robert settles on saying. Aaron’s still just staring at him. “I get it you know ... why you went this morning.”

Aaron goes to speak but Robert stops him.

“I’m no good.” Robert says. “Doesn’t take a genius to work that out. Someone’s after me, I — I’ve killed people, I’m a _wreck_ and ...” Aaron pushes his mouth against Robert’s, strokes slowly through his hair before pulling away again.

Robert stares up, mouth parted and something inside him is warning him against this feeling. His lips tingle and his hair is tangled, and Aaron is causing a lot to happen.

“I was stupid for going.” Aaron whispers. “I just thought ... you were angry at me last night and I thought you’d wake up and say it was a mistake.”

“It wasn’t.” Robert says, before holding Aaron’s face. “You’re about the only good thing I ...”

 _I have_ lingers.

Aaron nods his head, closes his eyes before moving onto Robert’s stomach and kissing him again.

—

“Stay still.” Aaron says before tutting when Robert has the audacity to move. “Rob.” He whispers, Robert smiles a little.

“It hurts.” Robert says, because Aaron’s not the gentlest nurse when it comes to seeing if Robert still has any glass stuck in his hands. They should have got around to doing this the minute they got through the door and yet here they are now sitting in Robert’s bathroom after the sun has already set.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, just go a little ...”

“I mean for not being here.” Aaron looks down. “When you _needed_ me. Just like before.”

Robert doesn’t know if he means the park or Jackson, but he breathes against it. “It’s fine.”

“If anyone even tries to hurt you again ...” Aaron’s jaw does this clenching thing and he nearly crushes Robert’s hand as he gets caught up in the moment.

Robert blushes. “Good to know.” His eyes flicker. “Thought I was a dick face.”

“Still are.” Aaron shrugs, but he smooths his hand over Robert’s. “But only I’m allowed to think that.”

Robert’s head dips slightly as he smiles and then he looks up towards Aaron again. “Where were you?”

Aaron dips his head down again and keeps focused on Robert’s hands. “Just busy.” He says. “Sorting some stuff out for ... a mate of mine.”

“Protecting him?”

“No. Just ... helping him.” Aaron’s hair is curled soft from the rolling about in bed and he looks so innocent as he speaks.

“But is it over now or?” Robert can’t help himself; he wants Aaron for himself thank you very much random friend.

Aaron nods. “Yeah it is.” He whispers before holding the tweezers out in front of him. “Think this is too.” He says before Robert pulls him into a kiss as a way to thank him.

“We should tell Cain what happened.” Aaron says as he’s putting the tweezers away. “Maybe he can get Ross to sort it out.”

Robert pulls a face. “Rather get shot myself then let him do that.” He says. Only Aaron doesn’t see the funny side, he looks away and Robert holds him close so that he’s standing over him and might as well be on his lap. “We should have dinner.” He says.

Aaron nods before looking back down at Robert’s hands. “You going to ask me about them?”

He feels something trip as he listens, something halt and he’s suddenly aware of what Aaron means. He stares at Aaron’s stomach and then looks up. “Did someone hurt you?” He asks, hands dancing across Aaron’s thighs before stopping as Aaron nods.

“But I did these myself.” Aaron looks at Robert like he’s just waiting for his reaction.

“As punishment?”

Aaron goes to speak and then stops and thinks. “To make it bearable.” He tries to get out. “To make everything easier.”

“After Jackson?”

Aaron nods again and then Robert squeezes closer. “Doesn’t make you scared of me?"

Robert frowns.

“Scared I still do it.”

“Do you?”

Aaron shakes his head seriously. “No.” He says, Robert smiles faintly and strokes his arm.

“Well then it’s fine isn’t it?” Robert whispers. “Now come here and kiss me.”

—

“I swear I hated you.”

It’s the thing you want to hear when you’ve just cooked someone dinner.

Robert scowls as Aaron sits with one leg up at his dining table wearing his grey jumper. He’s stealing everything and Robert doesn’t mind.

“You definitely had a thing for me. It’s why you never used to speak around me."

“Because you were a dick.” Aaron’s got a mouthful of spaghetti and Robert still wants to fuck him.

“Hmm, a dick who you wanted to fuck.” Robert says, puffs his chest out. “Go on, be honest.”

Only Aaron just dips his head and shrugs.

“I’m taking that as a yes.”

“Take it as what you like.” Aaron sips his beer before sighing and looking more seriously. “You know ... we should tell Cain.”

“About why you kept shouting my name in bed a few hours –”

Aaron arches an eyebrow. “Robert. About ... last night.”

Robert knows they have to, he’s just not ready for him to ask more questions about Lawrence. He should just be dead and buried by now _not_ trying to kill him.

“He’ll probably ask you to stay ‘round here to make sure I’m alright.” Robert’s smug when he sees Aaron shaking his head and smiling.

“Will he?"

“Will you?”

Aaron leans over the table. “Will I what?”

Robert bites his lip and sighs, heart thudding. “Will you stay the night?”

Aaron suddenly stands, walks towards Robert. “Think I’m done with dinner.” He whispers before nodding his head. “Of course I will.” Aaron eventually says between a kiss. Robert feels himself drowning in it.

—

Cain isn’t helpful about anything; he says that Lawrence is still piled up in bed and that he has doubts that he’s even remotely involved.

“So it could have been someone else?” Robert says, the thought makes something stick in his throat and he closes his eyes. “Who else?”

Cain frowns. “You’re a hitman Robert. It’s possible that more than one person is out for you.”

Robert swallows thickly, moves from one foot to the other, says. “So I just deal with it?”

“He hasn’t got you yet has he?”

“How many near misses do people need to have?” Robert stresses, a hand against his hip as Cain tells him that Lawrence is an old man who clearly can’t organise a piss up in a brewery.

“You said it might not be him?”

Cain arches an eyebrow and then sighs, “I’ll try to find out who he’s hired.” He says. “What?”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “You’ll try?”

“Yes. Meanwhile, you’ve got Aaron to get you off.”

“Get me ... what?” Robert’s face is bright red and he looks towards the floor.

“Get you out of trouble, harm’s way, whatever.” Cain says before shooting him out of his office.

Robert nods, ears turning pink.

—

A few days have gone by and Aaron and him are cautiously doing whatever they are. Aaron comes in after Robert’s warned some bastard to stop being a bastard or else, they eat, have sex and then he goes.

He hasn’t stayed the night since Robert asked him to and Robert thinks it’s better that way.

Only he’s all he’s thinking about when he’s washing up dishes. The way Aaron quietly crept up on him the night before and gave him a hand job as he washed plates as a way to say thanks for dinner. It was good, it was domestic, so it was scary.

—

If you ignore things it’s easy, Robert can’t ignore everything about himself though can he?

—

“What you looking so smug about?” Cain’s not a fan of the small looks Aaron’s giving Robert and it’s hilarious.

“Smug?” Aaron frowns. “I’m just not frowning.”

“Exactly.” Belle says. “It’s weird.”

Aaron shakes his head and Robert sees him on the stairs, they stop and stare for a second before Robert smirks at him and their fingers brush together.

“Later.” Robert whispers.

Aaron nods out a reply before getting down the stairs.

—

Belle has a habit of pissing off on a million lunch breaks when she should be setting up the club. The bar is a mess when Robert approaches it, cocktail glasses tipped and floor sticky with spirits.

He turns towards the office and then hesitates when he hears Aaron’s voice, he’s shouting about something.

“What next?” Aaron’s saying, and then there’s this scraping of a chair and a muffling sound.

“Hey, calm down for me.” Cain’s voice is there, he can hear him trying to speak to him until there’s nothing filling the air but the sound of Aaron’s breathing.

Robert trips back, fights the need to bust through the door and ask what’s happened but then Belle’s coming back up the stairs and asking him why he’s lurking about. He gets out when he can and only mentions it to Aaron when he’s in the car with him later on.

“Are you OK?” Robert blurts out. Aaron gives him this look and starts the engine; he looks absolutely fine.

“Yeah, sound, you?”

Robert reaches out and squeezes his thigh slowly before pulling away when Aaron starts driving. “The bar’s a bit of a mess isn’t it?”

Aaron turns to him. “Yeah Belle didn’t clean up last night.” He says before turning the corner and smiling weakly. “Right, home yeah?”

Robert nods out reply.

—

“You alright?” Aaron’s not. He’s clearly in a world of his own and Robert has to bend down to speak to him. He gets his attention; Aaron looks up with this lost smile on his face.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Robert shrugs. “Just your general face.” He almost regrets it when Aaron stops dead and looks at him. “I just mean ...”

Aaron’s face pushes against his suddenly like he doesn’t want to do anything other than kiss him. It feels like Robert’s floating for a second and then Aaron pulls away.

“I’m better now.” Aaron says it with this certainty that makes Robert’s heart thump over and over again. “We would go back to yours, watch a film, do normal shit. Couldn’t we?”

Robert feels an unease, feels this need to push past it and smile so he does. He forgets that Aaron looks like he wants to forget. “I suppose we could.”

Robert’s an idiot for a second or two which means that whilst they’re walking down the road together he doesn’t look where he’s going and nearly ducks out onto the road.

A car speeds past and Aaron jumps forward to put himself right in harm’s way.

The car beeps its horn and Aaron pulls Robert back by the arm, staggering.

“You _idiot_.” Aaron’s hands are shaking over Robert’s face and he looks like he’s going to cry. Robert’s mouth falls open and he tries to catch his breath. “Are you OK? You’re OK yeah?”

Robert just thinks of Aaron pushing himself into danger for him, he thinks of sacrifice and all that scary shit and it makes him feel terrified. “I’m ... are you?”

Aaron pulls his shaking hands away and nods. “I’m fine.”

“You just pushed yourself in front of me.” Robert’s eyes are wide, and he tries to not freak out as he looks at the way Aaron is looking at him. “For me.”

Aaron frowns. “You think I’d just let you get hit by ...”

“So you’d let yourself get hit instead?” The thought swirls until Robert frowns. “Why would y—”

Aaron rolls his eyes, pushes at Robert’s chest lightly. “Why’d you think I’d protect ya from _everything_ I could?”

Robert feels his heart swell and his hands feel clammy with something so big it’s terrifying. He’s still trying to get his breath back, still breathing in and out over and over again and then he stops almost abruptly.

“I forgot. You’re my bodyguard aren’t ya?” He says, he says it and it makes everything come crashing back down to Earth in this really real way. He can’t ignore it, feels like he shouldn’t try.

Aaron’s eyes flicker and his face becomes filled with something Robert can’t get to. He just stares and then wipes his face quickly before nodding.

“Yeah.” Aaron’s head dips and the colour rushes back to his face. “I ...” He comes closer to Robert again, cups his face and touches him in such a tender way that Robert feels his legs buckle. “You need to be more careful.”

Robert shudders practically all over. “Yes boss.”

Aaron gives him this smile that isn’t really there. “Good.” He says, and Robert goes back to walking to Aaron’s car just a little more uneasy on his feet.

Aaron holds a hand on the small of his back for a second and Robert feels himself falling with a thud.

Later, Robert’s half asleep stretched out and laying on Aaron’s stomach. He feels Aaron around him, hands still shaking slightly. He hasn’t said a word all night, kept himself almost hidden away for a reason Robert isn’t sure of.

Aaron brings himself closer to Robert, sighs and then has a hand in Robert’s hair.

“God, you need to be OK.” Aaron tuts. “So don’t ... don’t scare me like that.” He’s whispering, he’s so close and Robert doesn’t know whether to look up or not. “We need to be OK. We need to.” He stops speaking and then kisses Robert’s head. He hangs for a second and then pulls away slowly.

Robert shimmies himself closer, pretends he’s still sleeping as Aaron strokes his hair again.

—

“You know I can make this go away.” Cain says, he folds his arms over and Aaron shakes his head.

“We don’t even know it’s him.” Aaron says, he pushes a hand up towards the back of his neck and rubs. “We don’t.”

“I think we do.” Cain stands. “I can ... you know I can make ...”

Aaron’s head snaps up, he shakes it and says darkly, “No.” Cain looks away. “Don’t you dare bring him into this. _I’m_ meant to be protecting _him_.”

“Let him return the favour.”

“ _No_.” Aaron says before he charges down the stairs and disappears.

—

“This ... it’s scary.” Aaron’s speaking to Robert’s chest, the sky is dark, and the stars are high when he hovers a hand across Robert’s arm.

“What is?” Robert can only see the curls in Aaron’s hair as he speaks to him.

“Nothing.” Aaron says. He shakes his head and then the window slams slightly with the wind. Robert sits up, eyes flickering and something telling him to panic. Aaron gets up and shuts the window abruptly. He locks it and then hangs the curtains closer together before coming back into the bed.

Robert suddenly gets what he means about this being scary, about everything between them being almost too much to think about.

“Just the wind.” Aaron looks up at him, cups Robert’s face. “Yeah?”

Robert shudders. “Yeah.” He whispers, his head tilts towards Aaron’s and he feels Aaron kiss his head slowly.

It feels more intimate than anything else.

“Nothing’s going to happen to you.” Aaron tells him. “Not with me here. I promise.”

He can hear the emotion thick in Aaron’s voice and he wants to reassure him that he knows he’ll be there for him.

But that’s scary too.

—

They’re kissing in the club, up against the bar as Belle gets supplies from downstairs and Isaac gives her a hand. Aaron’s hands snake around Robert’s hips and he only pulls away when they hear the sound of glass smashing. His eyes are wide as they dart down towards the stairs leading to the supply cupboard and Robert smiles at him.

“What?”

“You. On the lookout for the man who wants me dead.” Robert says sweetly and Aaron swots his hand away before rolling his eyes.

“‘S not funny.”

Robert laughs and then stops. “It’s fine.” He says. “Isaac’s just being his normal dopey self.” He leans in and then Aaron pushes at his chest again.

“He’s family.” Aaron says. “And he ain’t dopey.” He says, shakes his head as Robert tells to chill out and closes in for a kiss again.

This time Aaron’s phone goes off and he doesn’t listen when Robert tells him to ignore it. He nearly head-buts Robert as he gets it out of his pocket and stares at it until the noise stops.

Robert steps away, sticks a hand in pocket and watches Aaron. “Important?” Aaron’s pressing things and swiping. “Aaron?

“Yeah?” He looks up finally and Robert frowns slightly.

“Is everything alright?”

Aaron gulps. “Hmm? Yeah I’m fine.” He nods his head. “You got any cases to be getting on with or?”

Robert shakes his head slowly and then hears Belle making a fuss downstairs. Aaron ducks out of the room with the promise of helping her.

—

Aaron’s stuck this film on about a undercover police officer and they’ve just started getting their guns out but he’s not remotely interested. He’s on his phone and only looks up when the leg under his kicks out and he jumps.

“You’re missing it.” Robert tuts, Aaron slowly pulls his phone down and looks at Robert.

“Sorry. What happened?”

“Baldie tried to get to the muscle guy but trainer boy didn’t let him. He said he didn’t want him to do his dirty work? Maybe. I was busy looking at you.” Robert says and Aaron almost blushes. “I mean — looking at you ... and being annoyed at you.”

Aaron leans down slightly. “You were looking at me.” He says. “Because you like me.” He whispers, he has a hand close to Robert’s and he slowly pins it down on the sofa before smiling faintly. “Hmm?”

Robert’s heart thuds. “Maybe I do.” He whispers. “Maybe I really do."

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Maybe ... I really do too.” He mumbles before he breathes out deeply and starts kissing Robert, it feels desperate and longed for.

Robert only squirms away when his phone starts buzzing. He looks down, watches Aaron rise off of him. “Urgh. Cain.” He goes to answer it when Aaron yanks the phone out of his hand. “Uh what ...”

Aaron’s eyes widen a little until the sound dies. “You’re not working now.” He shrugs. “He can wait.” He says.

“He probably just wants my help with something.” Robert sits up again and Aaron squeezes next to him, he has a hand at the back of Robert’s head, and he strokes lightly.

“Well no.” Aaron blurts out. “I won’t let that happen.” Robert looks up at him and frowns. “You’re busy helping me tonight.”

“Am I?” Robert wriggles an eyebrow, leans over and kisses at Aaron’s neck deeply before Aaron pushes him off slowly.

“Yeah. So tell me what I missed earlier.” Aaron looks towards the television before back at Robert who’s shaking his head. His phone is forgotten about underneath cushions and Aaron’s shoulders relax.

—

Cain’s got something seriously wrong with him. It’s like he radiates grumpiness because Aaron’s only alone in his office for a second and he comes out scowling again.

—

Aaron’s in his bed again now, he’s quieter than usual and they haven’t been all over each other that much yet. Aaron’s given him a sloppy blowjob, hands falling over Robert until his hips buckled and then he asked if they can just lay for a bit. He seems a little lost in his head, distant as he runs a soft hand through the front of Robert’s hair.

“You’re really freckly.” Aaron whispers, his throat is a little rough and Robert thinks of the way he tilted his hips up as Aaron took him in his mouth. He leans over to pass him some water and Aaron sips before frowning. “Like they’re everywhere.”

Robert snorts softly against Aaron’s hair. “Cheers. I think.”

“They’re mint.”

Robert smiles. “You eight?” He says before running a hand down Aaron’s naked arm. “My mum used to say they were like tiny stars on me.”

He doesn’t even know where it’s come from, but the stars are out now and Aaron’s in his arms. He feels safe with it, which doesn’t make any sense considering how much he used to hate Aaron. It’s progress, gentle and kind and something Robert is still scared of admitting to.

Aaron tilts his head. “That’s cute.” He says. “She still call ‘em that?” He teases.

Robert’s throat dries up. “She did, she’s ... well she died when I was young so ...”

Aaron slips up, covers falling. “I didn’t ... my big mouth.”

“Hey, it’s good for some things.” Robert tries to pull Aaron closer, but Aaron doesn’t let him. “It happened a really long time ago. It’s fine.” It isn’t, in fact he can’t bare to think about her on most days just because he’d hate to think of her looking down on him.

Aaron blinks gently. “Never makes it easier though.” He whispers, he holds a hand over Robert’s chest and the intimacy of it turns Robert bright red. “She’s still with ya.”

Robert gulps thickly. “You think?” He shudders.

Aaron nods before leaning back down on Robert’s side and crossing his legs over Robert’s long ones. The covers feel thick against them, but Robert doesn’t move. He just looks down at Aaron and feels him spacing out again.

He doesn’t push, he feels weird for not saying anything, but he doesn’t speak at all.

He just runs a hand along Aaron’s arm before feeling him breathe in slowly. “I didn’t see you coming you know.” He says. His head is raised now and there’s just something about it that makes Robert _swoon_.

He feels goosebumps raise on his arms as Aaron looks at him, shiny blue eyes. “Had no chance to ... prepare or whatever. You just snuck up on me.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “Yeah.” He says. “Didn’t see you coming either.” His face leans closer to Aaron’s and he smiles. “Thought that night was a moment of ...”

“Madness?”

“Yeah.” Robert stammers out. “But you’re still ...”

“I’m still ..."

Robert breathes in, eyes closing as he leans down and starts kissing Aaron. His arms reach down, wander slightly and Aaron breaks from the kiss.

“Can you just ... can we just do this for a little while longer?” He asks, and Robert freezes slightly, nods his head and hovers himself over Aaron’s body until Aaron brings him closer and they’re hugging. Robert kisses Aaron’s shoulder and feels Aaron gently scratch his back.

He closes his eyes.

—

Aaron disappears for a while.

Robert doesn’t make a thing of it.

He comes back changed.

—

“Aaron?” Robert bites his lip and then sighs steadily as he tries to get Aaron’s attention whilst he’s driving back from Cain’s office.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been ... thinking.” Robert stares at him, remembers the way he made Aaron laugh about something that time they were on the floor of the kitchen, stupidly unhygienic but Aaron was laying on top of him and he looked so happy.

It’s all Robert cared about.

“Dangerous.”

“I think I want to leave this.” Robert blurts out and Aaron just sort of stares at him. “I don’t want to be a hitman anymore.”

The car doesn’t slow down, in fact it revs up and Robert realises that they’re back to his within minutes. Aaron doesn’t say a single thing as he parks up and turns the engine off.

“Did you hear me?” Robert asks, a frown on his face now. Only Aaron just nods his head, gets out the car and Robert does the same. He watches Aaron slip his keys in his pockets and sees a lighter fall out, scatter against the floor. Aaron quickly grabs for it and Robert scowls.

“Didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t.” Aaron says. “I mean ...” He looks _funny_ , like his world’s just been rocked or something and Robert wants to be let in.

“What’s wrong?"

Aaron scratches his eyebrow. “You want to leave?” He says, he’s changing the subject, but Robert tries to focus on something at least.

“Yeah. How would — do you feel about that?” Robert hates this, the way Aaron’s opinion matters most on this. He expects something, a smile, an eyebrow raise, _something_.

“I don’t know.” Aaron says. “This isn’t about me.” He frowns. “It’s your ... job.”

“I’m just asking for your opinion.”

“Well I ... I don’t ...”

“Care?”

“Why you getting so heavy?” Aaron snaps and Robert’s face drops.

“Heavy? I’m just asking for ...”

“Like we’re a couple or something.” Aaron leans away from the car. “It’s your life Robert, do what you want.” He says. “I need to go.” He gets in the car again and Robert feels like he’s just been hit by it.

He watches Aaron start the car up and he gulps hard, tries not to let the emotions get the better of him at all. He sees Aaron stare at him through the mirror, eyes shiny and sad and he doesn’t get it.

He doesn’t get it at all.

—

There’s a knock on his door the next day, Aaron sheepishly standing on the other side with a runny nose and a sorry look on his face.

“Come here.” Robert says, because he’s better than he was before. He cares now, he can’t shut the door in Aaron’s face and tells him to do one. He _can’t_.

Aaron envelops him, kisses at Robert’s shoulder, cheek, mouth before pulling away.

“What’s wrong?” Robert says, he presses again when Aaron looks away.

“Nothing.” Aaron tells him, hands on Robert’s chest now. “I’m sorry for snapping.”

Robert sees something in his eyes, he doesn’t know what exactly it is, but it makes him want to latch on to him. “What happened?” He says. “You just ...”

“I’m dealing with stuff.” Aaron blurts out.

Robert frowns.

“You don’t need to know what.”

Robert looks away, makes this wounded sound. “Is that all I get?” He whispers, head soft and settled against Aaron’s. “Aaron.” He wants to say something like: _let me in_ but that seems too much. He sees Aaron swaying away from him.

“Is it me?” Robert asks, something deep down inside him tells him to.

Aaron pulls a face. “No.” He says.

Robert sighs. “I’d rather you just say, if I ... I still — if what I do makes you feel sick, if what I’ve done is ...”

Aaron tuts, closes in as holds Robert’s face. “No it’s not you.” He sounds so sad and it hurts. “What you said before about ... about leaving ...”

Robert nods.

“You should.” Aaron smiles a little. “You’re too good for this. You’re too good.” He whispers.

Aaron’s eyes begin to water and Robert stares down at his hand. He wants to ask him what’s wrong, he wants to shake him, tell him to _listen_ , open the fuck up, _trust_ me, but he doesn’t.

“I need to go.” Aaron says, turns towards the door.

“Not yet.”

Aaron looks away. “I have to.”

Robert feels Aaron move his hand away from his face and he falters for a second. He wants to reach out but then he stops. “Fine.”

Aaron looks at him and then his eyes flicker. He kisses Robert slowly before pulling away and leaving.

He goes.

He never really stays.

—

He gets the news three days later and it changes everything. He hasn’t seen Aaron, but he hasn’t thought about him anymore than he’s thought about what’s on the telly every night.

It’s what he’s telling himself anyway.

He’s in Cain’s bar when Ross walks in after him with blood stained hands and a grin on his face.

“Thirsty work.” Ross says as he downs a glass of whiskey and shakes his head.

“You’ve been out on a job?” Robert leans closer. “It’s midday.”

“It’s six o’clock somewhere.”

“That’s what middle aged mums say about wine.” Robert says before shaking his head. “You’ve still got blood on your hands.”

Ross wipes them, leans a little further over the bar and Robert sees Aaron when he looks at the gel slathered in his hair. He preferred him free of it but still, he thinks of him, he remembers him.

He doesn’t listen to anything Ross says until he hears Aaron’s name.

“You what?” Robert asks.

“I _said_ you’re just pissed ‘cause Aaron’s fucked off.

Robert turns towards him. “Piss off.”

Ross rolls his head back. “Didn’t deny it.”

“Don’t need to say anything to you.” Robert shrugs. “So shut up.”

“Or what? Aaron’s not here to throw his weight ...”

Robert grabs Ross by his top and holds tightly, he only lets go when Cain appears and tells him to. Ross falls awkwardly on the chair and smirks at Robert as he watches him go.

“I’ve got news.” Cain says when they’re in the office and away from Ross and his stupidity. “It’s why I’ve bought you here.”

“What’s the news?”

“Lawrence’s dead.”

Robert doesn’t hear anything for a second, he breathes in deeply and then feels all this weight rush out of him. “Ross?” He asks, he wonders when he did it, if he just did it now. Only Cain just shakes his head and almost smiles.

“All his fuss over finding you did his heart in.” Cain says. “He killed himself really.”

“No.” Robert says. “We killed him.” He gulps thickly.

Cain stops, looks up and then frowns. “And what?”

Robert steps back, the leather of his jacket squeaks as he tries to find his words. It’s been on the tip of his tongue since he told Aaron. “And I don’t want that anymore.” He says.

He feels brave for it, like he’s just climbed a mountain or something. He sticks his chest out as Cain stares.

“You don’t want that anymore.” Cain sits down on his desk. “Because you’re better than this?” He looks around.

Robert dips his head and thinks of Aaron’s words.

“Because I want a fresh start.” He decides on saying. “I don’t want this hanging over me for the rest of my life.”

He wants more, for the first time in a long time he really wants _more_ for himself.

Cain goes to speak when his phone goes. Robert sees that it’s Moira calling so he moves away.

“We’ll talk later.” He says, and Robert nods.

Cain goes to answer before Robert says something. “No need for Aaron around anymore then.”

Cain doesn’t say anything.

“He’s been gone for a bit now.”

Cain shrugs. “Like you said, no need for him anymore now is there?”

“Nah. Suppose not.” Robert says, and it hurts.

—

“It’s me. I was just wondering if you’re alright. I’m here if you ... if you need to chat or anything. I want to see ya, I ... miss having you around.” Robert cringes, runs a hand through his hair and then stops. “Call me when you get this.”

He ends the call. He tries again the next day and sends the same sort of message. This time he mentions Lawrence being dead too.

“No need for you now really.” He jokes, only the reality of it hits him heavily.

The silence back rings out.

—

Cain comes round to his which is unprecedented, he’s nodding his head as he walks in and sits down on Robert’s sofa when Robert says he can.

“Is everything alright?” Robert asks. “Is it Aaron?” His voice breaks slightly and Cain just scowls.

“You obsessed or something?”

“No.” Robert says quickly. “Why are you here?”

He still doesn’t get it at all. Cain sits awkwardly on the sofa, knee bouncing as he stares out the window towards the dark sky.

“You want to go don’t you?” Cain says. “Leave this life behind.” He nods his head. “I’ve always known you’d want to at some point.”

It’s weird, the way he speaks makes it seem like he’s almost sad about it. Robert doesn’t know how to react; he hasn’t given himself the head space to think about missing this life.

“Yeah.” Robert says eventually. “I do.” He knows that now, he’s known for a while.

Cain nods. “Well I’ll sort that out for you.” He says. “I’ll make sure it’s all ... easy. No trace back.” He stops bouncing his knee. “But you need to do something for me.”

“What?” Robert frowns.

“One more case.” Cain says seriously, his eyes blinking furiously fast now. “That’s it. Then we’re quits.”

Robert shakes his head, the thought of another person he’s responsible for killing takes over.

“Lawrence just died.” Robert says. “I did that.”

“Grow up Robert.” Cain snaps, standing abruptly. “What’s got into ya?” Aaron’s face is there, and it won’t leave him alone.

Robert looks away. “Can’t you get Ross to do it?” He asks.

“Ross is ... taking some time off.”

“Since when?”

“Since he came in my office with blood on his hands holding the weapon he used. He’s not well.” Cain says and Robert can’t blame him considering everything he’s been through, everything he’s still putting himself through. “Found him off his face too so ...” Cain gulps. “This has to be done well.”

Robert gulps hard, it doesn’t feel good to hear. He looks away when Cain comes forward.

“Robert, one more.”

Robert closes his eyes, breathes out deeply and sees himself far away from this. “Fine. But after this I’m _done_ Cain OK?”

Cain nods. “Yeah.” He says. Robert waits for a second before asking if he’s going to drive himself or if Aaron’s about and Cain seems offended. “He doesn’t need to be involved in this.”

“When is he ever?” Robert asks. “I always keep him away.”

“Well you’ll do it again now. He doesn’t need to know about this.” Cain says. “At all.”

“Where is he?” Robert asks. He’s been holding it back for too long now and he needs to know. “Is he going to come by any day now or ...”

Cain waves a hand out. “Don’t worry about that. Just ... just do this OK. That’s all you need to focus on.”

Robert rolls his eyes. “Fine. When?”

“Tomorrow night.” Cain says. “I’ll text you where and what time.”

“Do I even get a name?” Robert calls out as Cain heads towards the door. He turns back and sighs.

“G— no.” Cain’s face is a picture, like he’s fighting with something inside.

“Well cheers.”

—

He has a dream about his mum of all people. She’s just ironing, making a mess of it and singing over the sound of the washing machine going crazy in the kitchen.

He’s little, staring up at her and smiling when she pulls a face at him. It’s really lovely. He wakes up with tears down his face.

—

He stares at himself in the mirror, he doesn’t know where else he’s supposed to look really when he catches his reflection.

He looks worn, he looks damaged. He wonders if it’s what everyone sees. He can’t help but wonder if it’s what Aaron’s seen.

He looks away, down at his watch and then picks his keys up to get in his car.

—

The address isn’t as far as he thought it would be. Cain’s told him to give him two rings when it’s done and he’s wondering how long it’ll take. He can’t help but think about the last time he was doing this, he had to do all he could to get out alive.

He can’t do that again; he doesn’t have it in him. He looks down and feels for his gun as he pulls up to the small house and sees the lights still on. He walks slowly, sees that the front door isn’t even locked.

The bloke’s clearly stupid.

He goes in slowly, there’s a long corridor leading towards the front room and when he turns the corner he sees a man sitting silently in an knackered arm chair. He wonders if he’s asleep. He fucking hopes he is.

Robert breathes in before coming further into the room and stopping dead over the man’s shoulder.

“Ah. You’re here already.” The man’s voice is thick, filled with something Robert can’t put his finger on. “Good.”

He sounds disturbed and Robert leans away slightly before another light flickers on and he sees the man clearer.

“Nice to meet you Robert.”

The gun Robert’s holding falters slightly. “How do you know my name?” He whispers.

“Thought we should be on a first name basis, don’t you?”

“No.” Robert’s jaw clenches.

“Why? Too personal?” He licks his lips; his tongue sticks out for a second and then he shakes his head. “Suppose Cain’s told you why this is happening.”

Robert’s eyes widen and then he clears his throat. “I know what I need to know.”

“That he wants me dead.” He looks up. “It’s him who’s sent this order, not someone else, him.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and he allows himself to register the point before looking at the man again.

“You don’t want to know why?” The man leans up on the armchair and tuts. “Are you sure about that?”

Robert holds the gun tighter in his hand. “Don’t care. I’m just here to –”

“Messing around with my little boy.” He says. “You know, abusing him.” He sighs. “Creeping into his room and ...”

“I don’t want to hear anything else from you.” Robert snipes, comes closer. He doesn’t know why this is hard, but it is, he can’t put his finger on it. He tries to assess the situation the way he usually does, home in on the cleanest way possible. Up against a battered armchair seems OK.

The man frowns reveals even more wrinkles as he does so. “Can’t a dying man have his last words? Do you do that Robert? Give people the chance to say their last words?”

Robert breathes in as he shakes his head. “Not people like you no.” He says. “You deserve this.” Cain was right, he feels emotional about how much this twat deserves it and he’s only spent a few minutes in his company.

“Robert.” The man looks up to him. “I didn’t touch him.”

Robert pulls a face. “ _Stop_ saying my name.” He shouts. “How do you know my name?”

The man shrugs. “Same way I know Cain’s. Same way I know a bullet went through your window.” He laughs at Robert’s reaction. “Poor you.”

“How do — it was you?” Robert says, his hand bangs as he speaks and then he stops when the man smiles at him. “Fuck you.” He pulls the gun back and then hears the door being opened.

“Wait Robert don’t!” Aaron’s standing there, face pale and soft as he shakes it and his eyes fill with tears. He looks out of breath, like he’s almost run the whole way here.

Robert lowers the gun. “What are you doing here?” He shouts. “Aaron, get out.”

“I can’t leave without you.” Aaron says. “We have to go, now. Please don’t do this.”

Robert’s shaking his head as he sees Aaron. He watches him turn frigid, tense completely as he looks away from the man.

“He’s an _animal_.” Robert shouts. “Have you heard what he’s done? He ...”

“I know Robert.” Aaron says, biting his lip gently before shuddering. “I know but let’s just leave him OK? It’s fine, we just have to ...”

“You’ve got a point there son.” The man sits up and looks brightly at Aaron.

Aaron looks like he’s about to be sick. “Don’t.” He says, mouth hardly open.

“Don’t be like that.” The man slaps his thigh. “Look, it’s your old man.”

Robert’s eyes flicker and something hits his stomach. “No.” He whispers. “Aaron, he’s not your ...”

Aaron nods his head slowly.

“I’m Gordon. Aaron’s dad. It’s lovely to meet you Robert.”

Robert’s hand shakes as he lifts the gun up towards Gordon again. “I’m going — I’m going to kill you.” He says. “You fucking wait ...” He leans forward and Aaron shakes his head, comes towards him.

“Robert _no_.” Aaron‘s voice is filled with panic as tries to hold Robert. “Please.”

“He’s the reason you cut yourself to _shreds_ Aaron.” Robert says before he looks down at Aaron’s arm. His jumper isn’t long enough to hide them. “Aaron.” He whispers, sees a large burn mark on his skin. “No.” He shakes his head and his eyes fill with tears.

“Not again with the hurting yourself son.” Gordon says. “It’s not good for you.”

“You’re not good for me.” Aaron still doesn’t look at him.

“Well that’s just mean.” Gordon says. “Look at all the effort I’ve gone to just to get you here.” He says.

Robert scowls.

“I did all I could. Even gave this one hassle so that you’d have to keep being around him, so I could keep you in my sights.” Gordon shakes his head. “I know you went away for a bit a few days ago but ...”

“Because of you.” Aaron spits. “You couldn’t let me have something, be happy.” He frowns. “You texting me, ringing me, _constantly_ , I had to make it stop.”

“And I had to make you _see_ me.” Gordon says, he’s standing now, and Aaron looks so small as he cowers closer to Robert. “I had to keep trying ‘cause I knew it’d rattle Cain enough to try _this_. Get blondie over here to do me in.”

Robert breathes in deeply, heart pounding as Gordon smiles.

“You and him?” Gordon says. “All over each other.” He whispers. “Almost like I didn’t raise you the right way.”

Aaron turns towards him. “You didn’t raise me at all!” He screams and Robert holds his shoulders suddenly. “Rob please, let’s just go.”

“He won’t stop Aaron.” Robert says. “He won’t stop doing this to ya.”

Aaron’s got tears streaming down his face, grips Robert’s jacket, says, “Don’t want this.”

“Listen to him.” Gordon says.

“Don’t fucking talk to him.” Aaron growls, a hand on Robert’s back protectively as he sniffs. “Please. Let’s just ... go.” He whispers. “Me and you. I want you.”

Robert’s heart flips in his chest and he nearly smiles before he feels Aaron being moved back. Gordon’s suddenly holding him hard and Aaron’s frozen. He expects him to fight back but he isn’t. He’s just standing there crying, telling Gordon to let him go.

“No.” Gordon says. “No, no, no Aaron you have to see that I’m sorry.” He says. “For letting you run off like that.”

“I escaped.” Aaron whispers. He’s keeping his eyes on Robert. “I didn’t want him to hurt me anymore.”

Robert points the gun at Gordon. “He won’t. Not ever again.” He says and Aaron closes his eyes sharply. He goes to pull when Gordon turns Aaron and himself. He’s holding Aaron, an arm wrapped tightly around Aaron’s neck as he smiles at Robert.

“You’d shoot now would you?” Gordon sways them, makes it impossible for Robert to aim. “Let us go and we’ll say no more about it.”

“No chance.” Robert blurts out. “No fucking way. No. No, Aaron’s coming with me.”

“He isn’t.” Gordon says. “He’s coming home where he belongs. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t need —“

Aaron suddenly kicks out and Gordon doubles over. Robert watches as Aaron reaches out for him only for Gordon to trap him again. Limbs moves fast in this blur as Aaron struggles in his grip and eventually pulls free.

“No fucking way.” Robert whispers as he sees Gordon try and grab Aaron again. He’s on the floor, crying almost hysterically as he watches Gordon walk towards him. But Robert’s there, he’s aiming the gun and Gordon hits him. He staggers slightly and watches Gordon try and struggle for the gun with him.

He’s sure Aaron’s shouting. He can hear him say his name. Then suddenly he can’t hear anything. There’s blood soaking his shirt and Gordon’s eyes widen.

He steps back. Gordon falls to the ground.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

All he can hear is the sound of the gun sliding out of his hands and hitting the floor. He closes his eyes and only opens them again when he hears Aaron crying.

“Aaron.” Robert heaves slightly as he tries to gather himself. He can’t move though, he’s frozen, Aaron’s a mess on the floor. He’s hugging his knees and tears are streaming down his face.

“He’s dead.” Aaron stammers, like he’s asking a question, like he’s fully aware of the answer. Robert looks at Gordon’s body, lying flat against the floor. His eyes are still wide open, and Aaron leans over to see him.

“No, don’t look.” Robert waves a hand out, shakes his head as he leans down. He touches Gordon’s wrist and then pulls away again.

He can’t feel _anything_. There’s just blood everywhere.

“You killed him.” Aaron’s crying, his voice is ragged, and he doesn’t look away from Gordon laying on the floor.

“You need to go.” Robert rubs a hand across his face and settles himself. He tries to pretend like this is a normal fucking thing. “You have to leave OK?”

Aaron’s still on the floor. He still isn’t moving.

“Aaron.” Robert snaps. He watches Aaron jump slightly, eyes wide and staring.

The light is bright, shining through the window and making everything feel peaceful as Robert has a hand running through Aaron’s hair.

He touches his naked shoulder; kisses lightly and then moves away to stare into Aaron’s eyes. They’re blue and deep and Robert feels a lot of things for him.

“How are you not scared of me?” Robert whispers. The sunlight is pouring in further now, Aaron squints, takes a second to answer and Robert finds it hard to breathe.

Aaron gulps slightly. “Because I see you.” He whispers. Robert knows that Aaron isn’t a man of many words, and yet he makes him smile like he never has before with just four words.

It’s his thing.

Aaron’s eyes are glistening. He looks bright. He looks like he’s happy.

“That’s why.” Aaron whispers, tilts his head up and Robert kisses nose with a smile on his face.

A smile, a gentle smile.

Aaron’s standing now, but he isn’t looking at Robert. He’s looking everywhere else like he almost can’t.

“You need ...” Robert breathes out slowly. “I need to clear up. Aaron.” He still isn’t looking at him. “Aaron, look at me.”

Aaron’s offering the carpet a vacant stare and Robert realises he needs to try and get him out of this state of shock he’s in.

“Aaron.”

Aaron looks up towards him suddenly like a light’s been switched on.

“You need to go to that B&B we always pass in the car OK?” Robert’s saying but Aaron’s not listening. “You know, the one with the –”

“The ivy.” Aaron whispers, eyes flickering. Robert nods. “I can’t leave.”

“You have to.”

Aaron looks down at Gordon. “That’s my da—” He shudders and then stops himself. “He’s dead.”

Robert holds Aaron’s shoulders. “Go to the B&B now OK? I’ll come after I’ve cleaned up.” He can feel the blood on his neck, his face. He feels fucking sick.

Aaron just nods, still looking at the body.

“Go.” Robert pushes him, and he watches Aaron stagger out the back door and get into his car. He breathes out with relief when he hears his car pull away and then looks down at Gordon.

—

Aaron’s sitting in the corner of the room when Robert opens the door. He walks as slowly as he can and then leans back against the wall as he sees him. He sees all of him and none of him at the exact same time.

The dark room makes it hard for Robert to concentrate on Aaron, but he tries, he leans away from the wall and then sighs as he tries to get closer towards him and focus on the shape of him.

“It’s done.” Robert whispers, his throat is dry, and he tries to breathe out heavily. “I’ve sorted it.”

Aaron just keeps staring at the carpet, Robert looks at the way he’s digging his nails into his hand.

“Aaron stop.” Robert says hastily, he tries to lean closer towards him, but Aaron turns away.

{ _“What if I scare ya?” Robert whispers, the room is darker, and he closes his eyes against whatever Aaron says. He pulls the sheets over him and Aaron rolls onto his body._

 _“You won’t.” Aaron whispers back._ }

It’s all Robert thinks about as Aaron moves away from him. It’s _everything_ he can think about.

“Please don’t hurt yourself.” Robert whispers, he wipes his eyes as tears threaten to fall. “Please.”

“ _He_ hurt me.” Aaron speaks for the first time; tears are still streaming down his face and his mouth gapes open and then close it again. “Gordon. My dad.” His voice breaks. “He hurt me, over and over again.”

Robert doesn’t want to imagine; he doesn’t want to think about anything. He wants to close his eyes and dip into another world, something kinder than this.

“I ran away when I knew what was happening.” Aaron’s voice is thick with something as he gulps. “I went back to my mum, she ... I told her eventually. I told Cain. I just needed to tell someone, I had no one. I thought it was over, I really did. But he followed me, he came to try and find me and bring me back.” He closes his eyes again. “So I told the police but there wasn’t enough — he got away with it.”

Robert’s jaw tightens.

“I thought it was over though ‘cause he disappeared.” Aaron nods steadily. “I thought he’d leave me alone but then ... a few weeks ago he started it up again.” He shakes his head. “He said he knew where I was, knew you, knew ... knew everything.”

“You could have ... told me.”

“I didn’t want you to know _anything_.” Aaron pushes his hands away, down over his knees and then he shudders. “Not yet. I wanted to ... I wanted us to just _go_.” He closes his eyes.

“Run away?” Robert whispers.

“You wanted to leave.” Aaron plays with his hands. “And I wanted it too.” He almost smiles. “I just wanted ... you.” He shakes his head again. “Not _him_ , not ... _this_.”

Robert feels something inside him break slightly.

“I’m sorry.” Robert says.

“Don’t speak.” Aaron says, “Don’t ... say that.”

“I didn’t want to do this.” Robert breathes in. “I wanted to leave, didn’t want to hurt anyone else but –”

“You killed him.” Aaron says, tears are still falling down his face as he hugs himself. “He’s _dead_.”

Robert leans forward again; he kneels in front of Aaron and he can’t hold anything back as he tries to reach for him. He wants to hold him; he wants to hold him so badly.

“Aaron.” He says heavily.

“He used to climb into my bed … hold me down.” Aaron closes his eyes. “I just wanted it to _stop_.”

“It _has_.” Robert reaches out and holds Aaron’s hands, but Aaron looks down and sees where Robert has tried to wash Gordon’s blood away. He recoils back.

“Please don’t be scared of me.”

He waits.

He’s waiting for Aaron to tell him he isn’t but it’s not happening. Aaron’s eyes are just puffy, and he looks _exhausted_. He doesn’t say anything.

Robert pulls away abruptly, stands and tries to get his breath back before walking towards the en-suite and shutting the door.

He only cries when he turns the shower on as powerful as it can go. He leans against the sink, eyes wide and filling with tears as he catches himself in the mirror. His hands are trembling, they can’t stop fucking shaking as he thinks about the way he had to move him. All he sees is blood.

There’s this thing inside him telling him not to look up, not to dare look at himself in the mirror. So he doesn’t, instead he steps into the shower and stands under the hot water for what feels like hours.

He only jumps when he feels a hand on his shoulder and sees Aaron standing next to him. He doesn’t say a word, just has his eyes filling with tears as he runs a bar of soap up and down Robert’s bare back.

He listens to Robert cry, head tilted as his shoulders slump down and he breathes out. He feels Aaron’s touch and only turns when the shower is being turned off and Aaron’s starting to dry him with a towel.

He doesn’t want to look up into Aaron’s eyes, he can’t. But he does.

“I’m so –”

Aaron doesn’t let him say anything else, his eyes just turn into blue pools of water and he hangs his head in Robert’s chest.

“I’ve got you.” Robert cries down onto Aaron’s chest. “I’ve got you.”

—

Robert wakes up because he’s had a nightmare. He doesn’t get them normally but suddenly he’s running, and Gordon is following him closely. He’s pinning him down, holding him tight and he can’t breathe. He shoots. There’s blood everywhere again.

He rubs his eyes as he looks at Aaron laying on the bed, he reaches up towards him, hands firm on the bed to lift himself up.

Aaron’s wide awake, he’s just staring up at the ceiling and he doesn’t move even when Robert sits up straighter. Robert ruffles a hand through his hair and crosses his legs as he stares down at the carpet. He gives himself a second, one second to think about it _all_.

Aaron abused as a kid. It explains everything. Every single fucking thing.

Robert’s _killed_ him. He’s killed Aaron’s _dad_.

“Do you want ... anything?” Robert says. “Sorry. I didn’t mean –”

Aaron keeps looking up at the ceiling and then turns towards Robert. “You can lay up here. Need a shower.”

Robert just stands. “No. No I just ... I can’t sleep anyway.”

“I heard you sleeping, saw ya.” Aaron says, voice hardly there as he looks vacantly at Robert and then away again.

Robert feels this sudden surge of guilt and doesn’t know what to say so he breathes in. “It was hard to.”

Aaron gulps and then he sniffs as he turns his phone over in his hand. Robert goes to speak when the door goes, there’s someone knocking, and he freezes before he goes to answer.

“It’s Cain.” Aaron whispers. “He called.”

Robert doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to say, how he’s supposed to _look_ at Cain and tell him what happened.

Robert moves towards the door and then sees Cain standing there with a frown on his face.

“Aaron?” Cain says as Robert stands there. He moves past him, and Robert sees him as an uncle for the first time. He sees him walking towards Aaron with his arms up.

Aaron gets up and punches Cain square in the jaw as Cain tries to explain. Robert stands back against the wall in shock.

“He’s fucking dead.” Aaron shouts. “He killed him.” He points to Robert; his voice is ragged. “You didn’t tell him who he was, you didn’t tell him _anything_ and he had to –”

“I thought ...”

“I told you to leave it alone, I said I didn’t want –” Aaron squeezes his nose tightly and then his face reddens. “You made him kill him.”

“He wouldn’t _stop_.”

“I was fucking leaving!” Aaron screams, he’s shaking his head and he goes to lean forward again before Robert comes towards in and holds Aaron’s frame.

“Aaron.”

Aaron pushes off of him abruptly and Robert pretends like it doesn’t hurt.

“Leaving?” Cain whispers. “And going where? Without telling any—”

“I was just going to _go_ , run away to where he couldn’t find me.”

“And spend your life alone, always on the run, always waiting for him to –”

“I wouldn’t have been alone.” Aaron shouts and this time he looks at Robert for the briefest of seconds.

Cain gets it.

Robert’s face falls.

Aaron had a whole plan and it’s fucking ruined. He’s never going to look at Robert the same way again and he shouldn’t even try to.

“Aaron ... I didn’t know –”

Aaron breathes out deeply. “I need some air.” He says as he gets to the door. He passes Robert without even looking back.

—

Robert watches him charge away down the road from the view of the window, he’s down the street and turning the corner when Cain speaks to him.

“Where’d you put him?”

Robert turns around and stares at him. His eyes are widening, and he tries to keep his thoughts to himself but falters as soon as Cain raises an eyebrow at him, almost daring him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Cain looks away. “Tell you what?"

Robert can’t believe him. “That it was Aaron’s dad I was killing.”

“Didn’t know you were sleeping with him.” Cain says like that detail matters in the slightest. “Didn’t think it’d be such a big deal. Who said you could ...”

“Fall for him?” Robert says. “I didn’t plan on it, didn’t plan on killing his dad either but –”

Cain just shakes his head. Robert huffs out a breath, shakes with this rage and then he breathes out slowly.

“It’s not like you give a shit. You never have. You used me to do whatever you wanted, and you just did it again, _just_ after I told you I didn’t want this anymore. You make me kill –”

“I didn’t force you to do anything.”

Robert grits his teeth. “If I didn’t, God knows what could have happened.” Cain frowns. “Yeah. _Yeah_ , he had him and he wouldn’t let go. He wouldn’t let go Cain. I had to ...”

“Stop.” Cain closes his eyes.

“I had to kill him, I had to ...”

“You got paid didn’t you.”

“Fuck the money.” Robert shouts. Cain looks away again. “Don’t want any of it.” He can feel his face reddening as he speaks.

Cain makes this small sound; he pivots slightly before sighing. “Keys.” Cain holds out his hand. “To your car. He’s in there isn’t he.”

Robert slowly takes them out and hands them to Cain. “He wasn’t supposed to be there.” He whispers. “He had to watch me ...”

“He sussed it out, I thought you’d be done by the time he got there.”

“Instead he had to be grabbed about by him.” Robert says, he closes his eyes and shudders. “I had to struggle to get him away from him.”

Cain looks away.

“He was cutting himself Cain. Your nephew.” Cain suddenly pushes him against the wall. “You did that to him; you couldn’t just let us go.” He wants him _dead_. “We could have _gone_ , been –”

Cain scoffs and it hurts. “Happy? Wake up. You’re a fucking hitman. You’ve just killed his dad."

Robert’s eyes flicker. “He was a monster.”

Cain nods shortly. “But he’ll never forgive you.” He says, with this honestly stretched over his face. “Aaron won’t ever forgive you for this.”

“Or you.” Cain finally lets go at that and his eyes flicker.

“I can live with that.” Cain looks down, nods a little. “Let’s hope you can.” He walks towards the door. “I’ll drop these by later. Stay here.”

—

He waits until it’s dark again for Cain to deliver his keys back. He hasn’t eaten a thing all day and it gnaws away at his brain. It’s that, the feeling in his stomach and then it’s Gordon’s dead body.

He closes his eyes and sees Aaron laughing over him, telling him that he sees him, that he knows him. He sees it all and he wants it back. He gets Aaron walking in at half ten at night instead, hoodie thrown over him and dark eyes.

“Where’d you go?”

Aaron keeps his head down. “Nowhere.” He closes his eyes. “Trying to clear my head. It didn’t work.” He says.

Robert watches him closely for a few seconds. “I’m sorry.” He says after a few more seconds. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Nothing.” Aaron’s voice is hardly there as he sticks a hand in his pocket. “I just — Cain, he said that ... that you should leave.”

He doesn’t want to go but he nods. “OK. I’ll be at home if ...”

Aaron looks away. “No, leave. Properly.”

Robert feels his throat close up, says, “Why?”

“Because people will wonder where he is.” Aaron stammers slightly. “Where he’s gone. They’ll ask questions and ... Cain doesn’t want you around for it.”

Robert’s eyes flicker as he steps back. “You wanted us to do that. Go.” He explains.

Aaron rolls the sleeves of his hoodie down past his hands and he looks tiny.

“Where did you want to go?”

“Stop.”

“I’m just asking, I had no idea that ...”

“It doesn’t matter now.” Aaron shouts. “It’s over with, it was a stupid, _stupid_ idea.” He looks up at Robert and then looks away again. “It was before ...”

“Before I killed your dad.” Robert says. “Before you watched me ...” He breathes in deeply. “It was just ... I thought that last night you ...”

He held Robert, he let Robert hold him. It was something at the very least. But now it’s gone, evaporated. It’s why he ended up sleeping on the hard floor and Aaron was on the bed as far away from him as he could get.

“I can’t do this.” Aaron sounds panicked. “Just don’t make me do this.” He says.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop _saying_ that. It doesn’t change anything.”

“I know.”

“Why do you even care?” Aaron folds his arms and there’s tears in his eyes as he speaks.

“Sorry?” Robert whispers, he sees Aaron hardening as his heart thuds.

“You’ve killed before. You used to think it was _nothing_ and now –”

“Now it’s hurt you.” Robert steps forward, closed into Aaron’s space and making it hard for Aaron to look anywhere else. “And I never wanted _that_ , I never wanted ...”

“You think I did?” Aaron whispers. “I thought we could have been something you know.”

Robert freezes around the words. “Don’t say that.” He gets out. “Aaron, please don’t ...”

“You said you were going to leave.”

“I was.”

Aaron shakes his head, says, “But you took the job anyway.” His voice breaks slightly.

Robert wants to kill Cain. “I didn’t — it was _one_ last job. I was going to leave it all after that, find you ‘cause you just disappeared.”

“So it’s my fault?”

“No. No, it’s that fucking monster’s fault.”

Aaron twitches. “Well you’ve already killed him so what’s left?” Aaron’s throat stretches. He step away from him.

—

Aaron’s in the bathroom, Robert’s on the other side of the door and he’s trying to make him understand but it isn’t working.

“Aaron, open the door.”

He doesn’t hear anything. The silence rings out until he’s standing there thinking back to what Aaron’s been through, what he’s still going through. He’s caught up in it when Aaron steps out and walks towards the bed. He’s running his hands through his hair and his eyes are darting about the place.

He’s crying, trying not to.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not.” Aaron says after a few seconds.

Robert frowns. “He raped you.” He says, because he doesn’t get it, he really doesn’t. He wants to break the world down for Aaron and yet Aaron’s _sad_ about Gordon being six feet under.

Aaron’s eyes flicker and he freezes. “You don’t get to decide how I feel about this.”

Robert makes an exasperated sound and shakes his head. “But you’re — you’re angry. At me.”

Aaron shakes his head.

“At the world? I get that but — if I wasn’t there, God knows what –”

“You don’t think I _know_. I know.” Aaron blinks out, rubs a hand over his eyes. “But it’s ...”

“It’s what?”

“It’s all I see.” Aaron blurts out suddenly. “I’m angry, I’m ... I’m like _this_ because it’s all I see when I look at you and I _hate_ it.”

Robert doesn’t know how he’s supposed to breathe. He just thinks about everything that was _before_ this. The way they hated each other, then tolerated each other, liking each other and then wanting each other and everything in between.

The good.

“But I ... you knew who I was Aaron.” Robert clings onto it. “It wasn’t all you saw then so what’s changed now?”

“He’s my ...” Aaron runs a hand over his thigh. “And I see you killing him.” Aaron sniffs, his eyes are red raw as he draws a hand across his face. “Over and over and ...” He shakes his head. “I can’t — I can’t do it.”

Robert’s eyes fill with tears. “But he was going to ...”

“I know _why_ you did it.” Aaron waves a hand out. “But I can’t ...”

He can’t. He just _can’t_ even bare to be in the same room as Robert. Robert knows that. He can fucking see it.

Robert’s head dips at it. “You’re scared of me.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything, but he shakes his head after a second.

“You don’t have to — to lie OK? I already know.”

He _knew_ this would happen. He hates himself. He wants to hate Aaron for doing this to him, but he doesn’t.

“I’m scared of ...” Aaron shudders. “What you’d do for me, what you’ve _done_.” He almost backs up against the wall as he speaks, and Robert feels it crushing him deep inside.

He nods his head a little and tries to breathe.

Aaron gulps. “I think you should ... just get out of this while you can and forget all about it.”

Robert has tears welling in his eyes. “Like it’s that easy?”

Aaron nods his head like he almost agrees and then his head dips down. “There’s nothing left here for you Rob.” His chin wobbles and Robert feels like he’s been punched in the stomach when he thinks about Aaron alone dealing with all of this. “So just go.” He says, again, _again_.

It switches something in Robert’s head, and he pulls back enough to realise he has to go. “I should –” Robert speaks softly. “Please take care of yourself.” He says before getting out the door and hearing Aaron cry on the other side of it.

He waits for a second until the sound stops, until the sound of a shower starting is everywhere. It drowns things out for a second or two.

—

He lays low because Cain tells him to. He stays at home and relives the night, rethinks how exactly he could have changed it.

He thinks of Aaron mostly.

—

Cain’s subtle as a brick knock to his door is what gets him up a few days later. He looks less than pleased to see him and Robert is forced to scowl at him before he opens his mouth.

“You’re still around then.” Cain sniffs, he walks in through the hallway and towards the living room.

“Yeah.” Robert says awkwardly. The truth is he tried leaving two nights ago, only he couldn’t think of anywhere to go or what to do with his life. The thing is, he’s seen this in films all the time. The bad guy tries to get out, only it’s impossible. They usually end up dying and being made a martyr which is making him incredibly optimistic about his future.

“I thought I told you to go.”

“Go where?”

“Anywhere that isn’t driving distance from Gordon’s.”

Robert closes his eyes and then opens them again slowly. “Why would they think I had anything to do with it?”

“Well they’re already questioning me.” Cain says and Robert’s face falls a little. The coppers know that Cain is dodgy, some backwards hero that gets rid of the scum the police can’t send down. It won’t take them long to try and make him a culprit considering they know he’s Aaron’s uncle and the allegations against Gordon were squashed in the end.

“And?”

“Aaron’s my alibi.” Cain shrugs like it’s _nothing_.

Robert shakes his head. " _Aaron_?”

“Yes Aaron. Works out best for both of us considering we’re _both_ in the frame. They know about the allegations or whatever fucked up word they use.” Cain sighs hard and Robert sees the weight on his shoulders. “His neighbour reported shouting and the sound of a gunshot so we had to. You have to leave soon. You were going to already.” He rubs a hand across his face and then stares. “So go.”

Robert’s sick of the words.

“Just like that?”

Cain sighs before dipping into his pocket and pulling out close to three hundred pounds. “Here.”

Robert stares down at it, remembers a time where he would have done anything for that amount of money but now it just makes him feel sick. “Don’t want it."

“Robert.”

“I said no.” Robert shouts. “Just leave.” He looks towards the door and Cain steps back from him.

“I didn’t think you’d ...”

“You knew I didn’t want this.” Robert says. “Now I have to live with the fact that I’m the reason Aaron’s dad is dead.”

“Aaron’s _abuser_ is dead.” Cain corrects him. “Someday he’ll see him like that too. Just that.”

Robert watches him leave.

—

Aaron shakes his head and tells him he’s sorry, that he wants him, that he can forget all about it.

He closes his eyes around exactly what it means, tears threatening to fall as all of this relief washes over him. He reaches out, holds Aaron tightly until Aaron disappears into thin air and he’s left how he started.

Alone.

—

He nearly closes the door on Cain when he sees him next, it’s only been a couple of days since he tried pushing money into his hand and he’d rather not deal with him.

“Think you want to hear this.” Cain says slowly, Robert steps aside and lets him in before sitting on the sofa.

“Go on.”

Cain gulps hard. “I had a look through Gordon’s phone.”

Robert sits up. “That’s exactly what you should be doing, well d –”

“It’s destroyed now.” Cain snaps. “But I saw messages.” He shakes his head and Robert can only imagine. “He’d been behind the things that had been happening to you, not Lawrence.”

“How do ...”

“Lawrence tried to run you over and it nearly killed him, he was back in hospital after that and ... his _theories_ were put down to mad ramblings.” Cain sighs and Robert knows he’s holding something back.

“Cain was is it?”

“Gordon was getting someone to do those things to you. The attack, the gun shot, he had someone trash the club.” Cain looks down and then up again. “I saw all the texts ... and the number ... it’s Ross’.”

He feels like he doesn’t have anything left to lose when he bundles Ross into his car and points a gun to his head. Cain’s driving and Robert tells him to take him to a quarry.

“No — no what’s going –” Ross is a mess, thrashing around and almost demanding to be let out.

“We know it was you, you little _shit_.” Robert feels this anger coursing through his veins as he stares down at him and seethes. “All along, you were the one.“

It takes all of five seconds for Ross to connect dots, the confusion on his face melts away to reveal blind panic. “He — he came to _me_.” He squeals.

“And that makes it OK?” Robert sees the tears well in Ross’ eyes and doesn’t feel a thing. “We’re meant to be on the same side.”

Ross’ head swipes straight towards Cain and he breathes out. “Cain I’m sorry.”

“Don’t look at him.” Robert brings Ross’ face back towards him and smirks. “How much did he pay you to terrorise me hmm?”

Ross shakes his head. “I don’t know.” He says. “I just ... I needed the money.”

“Do you know who it was?” Robert says. “Aaron’s dad.” Ross’ face falls and he looks confused. “Yeah. Yeah and he didn’t want me dead, he wanted Aaron back, to _abuse_ him some more.” His hands are shaking as Ross shakes his head.

“I didn’t know, I didn’t –”

Cain stops the car abruptly and drags Ross out until he’s rolling around on the dirt and wincing. He sees that anger in Cain’s eyes, how he could probably keep punching until Ross stopped breathing.

He smiles against it for a second and then something halts in his chest.

“Cain, stop.” Robert says suddenly, it makes Cain look up at him with confused wide eyes. “I’m not doing this, I can’t.”

“Let me.” Cain grips Ross’ jacket but Robert tells him to let go again, shouts it a little louder when Cain freezes around the tight frame he has on the man.

Robert walks towards him, and then down at Ross. “He’s not coming back. He’s going to disappear and never speak about this again.”

Ross keeps nodding his head. “Robert I –”

“Or I’ll kill you.” Robert says. “And I won’t think twice.” His eyes flicker as he drops his gun on the floor and turns away from the scene.

—

He books a ticket to Malta for a few reasons. It was the cheapest he saw, the flight time wasn’t horrendous, it’s warm there. He leaves in three days and he’s starting to feel relieved about it all.

—

He doesn’t know why but he drives past the B&B like he expects Aaron to still be there after nearly a week of this. He slows at the room window and his eyes widen when he sees what looks like Aaron moving about. He doesn’t want to drive on, he almost can’t so instead he ends up knocking on his door instead.

He just wants to tell him that he’s leaving. That’s all.

He knocks again when he can hear him moving around, and then someone answers the door. Only it isn’t Aaron.

It’s some guy not wearing a top and trying to pull up his jeans. Robert wants the world to swallow him up and his mouth parts without him even thinking.

“Sorry mate.” The guy fumbles out something about not needing any towels. He says that he’s just going actually and rushes past Robert.

Robert stays where he is, almost glued to the spot until something inside him erupts and he comes inside the room. He doesn’t see Aaron until he looks towards the shower. He’s scrubbing himself hard, shaking slightly and when he sees Robert he quickly turns it off and grabs for his towel.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to ...” Robert stops himself. “You were busy.”

Aaron chews his lip as he steps out towards Robert and he looks embarrassed, looks almost sorry. “I didn’t ...”

“You just get to fuck random strangers?” Robert’s voice breaks and he didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it does. He’s almost blown away by it.

Aaron jaw tightens. “It’s none of your business.” He says. “Not anymore anyway.”

“Were you with other people when we ...”

“ _No_.” Aaron says quickly, maybe he thinks of them not using any protection one too many times too because his face is bright red. “No it was just ... you.” He mumbles.

Robert keeps his head down and Aaron stands there shivering slightly.

“You don’t get to be mad.” Aaron eventually says.

“I don’t?”

“We weren’t ... anything.” Aaron says it so unconvincingly that Robert scoffs.

“Is that what you’re telling yourself now?” Robert asks. “Aaron, you know I –”

“Don’t.” Aaron waves a hand out and his towel nearly falls. He leans back against the wall and shakes his head.

Robert presses on. “Why? I’m right. We were something, enough for you to want to go away with me.”

“I said _don’t_.” Aaron says, like the reminder makes him sick. “Why are you here?” He looks like he’s trying to be strong, keep his head up and face this.

Robert breathes out. “I’m leaving. Going away for good and ... and I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Aaron’s eyes instantly fill with tears and Robert wants to shake him, tell him to stop. Suddenly he doesn’t know why he’s done this, how he’s ended up wanting to see Aaron like this. He should have kept driving.

“Bye.” Aaron says, he turns to move, and Robert leans forward, grabs his shoulder and he turns back. His towel is forgotten, crumpled on the floor and Robert makes the mistake of peering down, then looking up and cupping Aaron’s face. “Rob ...”

“Tell me — tell me you hate me.” Robert whispers, his mouth is so close now and Aaron’s practically whimpering as Robert holds him by the chin. “At least tell me that.”

“I do.” Aaron’s breath catches. “I hate ...” Only he leans in, mouth open and panting and Robert holds his arms up before feeling Aaron’s lips brush with his.

It’s the smallest of seconds.

Robert feels Aaron’s tongue brushing against his, open mouthed and _wanting_ before Aaron’s backs away. He pushes Robert’s chest before wiping his mouth and picking his towel up.

“We can’t.”

“We can.” Robert says. He’s never done this before, stood in front of someone and wished more than anything that they wanted him. “Aaron I’m _sorry_.”

“I know you are.” Aaron’s face is bright red as he holds back tears. “I don’t even know how you can still ...” He looks at Robert’s crotch and then closes his eyes. “After what you know.”

“It doesn’t change –”

“Of course it fucking does.” Aaron whispers angrily. “I’m always going to be this way and you’re always going to be –”

“A murderer.” Robert fills in the gaps and tries not to make a big deal out of the way it feels.

Aaron looks up towards the ceiling. “That came out ... wrong.”

“I’d support ya through it all.” Robert says sincerely, his eyes falling over the burn Aaron has on his arm. “All of it.”

“Don’t you get it? How can it be _you_ supporting me when you’re the one who did it?” Aaron’s voice breaks as he wipes tears away from his eyes. “We can’t Robert. I — I can’t.” He gulps hard. “And one day you’ll wake up and ... and realise you couldn’t either. I’d remind you of all that bad _shit_ you had to do.” Robert goes to speak, and Aaron waves a hand out. “I know it wasn’t easy for you, I know, I see that.”

Robert looks away and tries to keep it together.

He remembers a conversation between them, a dark night, the thick sheets they were laying under completely as their hands danced together.

“I was in a bedsit you know.” Robert whispered.

Aaron frowned slightly. “Before this place?”

“Before Cain.” He said. “It was hard getting by ‘cause I’d ... left home.”

Aaron moved his hand across Robert’s shoulder like he knew he needed more. “Shitty dad?”

“The worst.” Robert said, eyes flickering. “Well actually he wasn’t the worst, he just didn’t want me the way I was. So I thought fuck it, fuck what he thinks, I’m doing this for me.”

“Doing what?"

“Whatever I want.” Robert said as he tried to smile at Aaron. “At first I wanted to just make him embarrassed, really hammer home the point that I could do whatever. He had no control over me. But then ... after what happened with Cain I –”

“Hey.” Aaron leaned over and kisses Robert’s temple.

Robert breathed deeply. “It was so hard. It is. I’m numb to it now but it’s still –” He looked over at Aaron with wide eyes. “I sound like a twat don’t I?”

Aaron kissed his mouth instead of replying and pulled away to see Robert holding him closer.

“Still over the hating me stage?” Robert whispered, hands travelling, wandering and making Aaron’s eyes roll back.

“God yeah.” Aaron whispered. “Come here.” He said before kissing Robert on the mouth again, doubled over with desire.

Robert liked them that way.

Aaron’s paused for a long time now, almost like he’s thinking the same thought. “I wish it was different, I do. But it’s the way it is OK?” Aaron blinks quickly as he wipes tears from his eyes. “It’s the way it ...”

“Has to be.” Robert nods. He steps an inch closer and then pulls away again. “You know you don’t have to try and get on with your life. Cry. Be angry. Fuck randoms if that helps –”

“Rob.”

“But you _can_ grieve.” Aaron’s eyes flicker and Robert looks at the pile of beer cans in the bin. He wonders if he does, if when it’s dark outside he sits in the corner of the room and sobs. “And not feel guilty for it.”

Aaron rubs a hand across his face and sniffs before nodding.

“Come here.” Robert whispers, and Aaron steps forward into Robert’s space, he tilts his head down on Robert’s chest for a second and Robert rubs his back. It lasts less than five seconds really. Aaron makes the choice to step back again and Robert gets to the door in one piece.

“Bye Aaron.” Robert goes to open the door before he looks back. “And thank you.”

Aaron pulls a face. “What — what for?”

“Making me realise I’m worth more than ... than this life.” Robert almost has tears in his eyes.

Aaron looks moved by it as he sniffs. “I’m sorry you ever had to meet me, get involved in –”

“Don’t.” Robert says. It was worth it, he thinks. He closes his eyes before smiling. “Look after yourself. I mean it.”

Aaron nods again and Robert thinks about what will happen next for Aaron. He hopes he gets out of this, hopes that he grieves in whatever he can, hopes that he moves on.

He hopes he’s loved by someone for a really really long time.

“I will.” Aaron whispers and it’s enough for Robert to smile and leave.

—

He doesn’t need a stupid send-off, but Cain drives him to the airport anyway.

“Checking I’m actually going?” Robert asks.

“Seeing you right.” Cain says, parks the car and hands Robert an envelope. It’s thick, it makes something build in his chest and he pushes it away.

“I can’t.”

Cain shakes his head. “You saved my life once.”

“Yeah and I took one. Then four more.”

Cain blinks gently and then sighs. “As much as it pains me to say this ... you’re a good lad Sugden.” It makes something get caught in Robert’s chest. “You’ve done bad things, but you’re getting a way out. This. This is your way out.”

Robert stares at the envelope and then back at Cain.

“It’s not blood money.” Cain says. “It’s my own.”

Robert frowns, he’s touched.

Cain gulps. “I want you to know I didn’t know about you and Aaron.” He says. “Sort of explains a few things though.”

Robert frowns. “Yeah?"

“He really didn’t want you doing it.” Robert’s face falls a little. “And I saw the way you two used to ... be around each other. He was less ...”

“Grumpy?”

Cain smiles. “Yeah.” He says. “If I knew for certain then ... I wouldn’t have …”

“We weren’t — we’re not ...” Robert scratches his head and then Cain places the envelope down on his lap. “Cain ...”

“See you kid.” He says.

Robert smiles faintly, hardly there really as he gets out the car and holds the envelope to his chest.

He lets go of everything else.

~ — ~

“So what did you do ... two years ago?”

Robert hands are a little clammy as he sits opposite the bar.

“What do you mean?”

“You said you weren’t working back then. You might be a hot shot junior whatever –”

“Accountant.”

“Accountant _now_ but what about before that?”

Robert holds his hand together. “I ... I was just in and out of jobs back then.” He says. He buys it. He smiles. “What did you think I was doing?”

“I don’t know do I? Could be a crazed killer for all I know.”

He tries to make sure his reaction is believable as he laughs.

—

His office is one mile away from his flat and has air conditioning all year round. He has a small desk and his own computer which freezes every now and again, but they usually get it fixed within the hour. Sometimes they don’t. He’s taken to hitting it twice on the right side and waiting for it to come back to life when he’s desperate.

There’s a market square close by where he does his shopping, it’s big enough to get lost in but he hardly does that. He knows what he likes, and he grapples with the best they have. The peaches and plums are rarely still there when he pops down and sees what he can get.

He’s used to that sort of disappointment, that feeling of better luck next time.

It closes at five o’clock every single day.

Then the bars begin to open, he begins to try and breathe.

—

He keeps a gun in his bedside draw, he can’t think of a time where he wouldn’t. He sometimes takes it out and holds it firmly, remembers the impact it’s had, the people he’s hurt.

It makes him always place it back down, thank himself for the mundane life he’s leading now.

—

“You seem lighter Robert.” He has someone he sees every Tuesday to talk through how he feels. It’s pointless sometimes and other times it feels like a life line. It’s difficult to go into detail about things but he skirts around, and she pretends to fill in the gaps.

He raises his head up towards her in shock as she speaks, realises that she’s been his only constant for the past two years and if she sees progress it must mean something.

“I’m getting by.” Robert runs a hand across his thigh. “Doing alright.”

He watches her nod her head as he stares at the screen, recognises that it’s raining where she is, and he thinks of where he’s run from. Heidi lives in London and he’d found her through Cain of all people, he’d vaguely blurted out this darkness he felt and somehow she made it slightly bearable.

“That guilt, still as pressing?”

The delay allows him to breathe into an answer and contemplate it for longer than he wants to. He eventually nods out a yes and she seems relieved which is weird.

“Shouldn’t it be going away?”

“Would you want it to?”

Robert thinks, knows the answer almost straight away. “No.” He says, he feels this heavy weight in his chest as he speaks. “It’d be like ... I’d forgotten.”

Heidi nods knowingly. “You’re never going to stop feeling that guilt if you still encourage it, take comfort in it.”

“Comfort?” Robert pulls this face and it travels through him. “How?”

“Does it make you feel settled, knowing that guilt you feel, letting it take over?” Heidi says, and it makes Robert’s heart pound as he thinks about how it grounds him.

It’s unconscious but present, like if he misses a train or gets short-changed at the shop, he calls back onto what he did, who he _is_ and it makes things easier to digest. Things happen, unhappy, unsettling at times, things happen, and he is deserving of it. He always will be deep down.

“I ... maybe.” Robert lifts his head up and Heidi tells him it’s the start of something, he doesn’t know what that _something_ is, but he wants to get to know it more.

—

His flat isn’t bigger than his flat was before all of this. In fact it’s smaller, but the bed is bigger so that’s something and there’s a good view he likes to admire on cool nights.

He turns the corner of the small garden he shares with Juan downstairs and sticks a hand in his pocket as he enjoys the sunshine. It’s been a while since he’s sat back and enjoyed it, breathed in the air of the place properly.

It feels like it’s been years since he’s felt like this. He isn’t content. But he’s realised he never really will be, because that’s something good people get to feel. This though, it’s a close second. It’s a welcomed feeling of peace after so long of suffering with a heavy weight of _guilt_ for things he’s said and done.

The air smells sweeter now under a new understanding.

—

“Employee of the — the month?”

Robert frowns when he nods at him with a smirk on his face. He unbuttons his shirt when he feels the heat getting to him and his hair is sticky with it when Paulo shakes his hand.

He says three words that make Robert’s face fall: “You deserve it.”

—

He doesn’t deserve shit. He deserves fuck all.

The moon is high and heavy, and he drinks to forget how much he doesn’t deserve this glimpse of a happy life he’s living.

He drinks until he thinks about only him.

—

Robert holds a hand across his face, blurry sunlight stretching into the room and causing him to smile.

He dreamt that his mum hugged him, told him he was steering on the right path.

It’s meant everything.

—

The sun is heavy in the sky, basking down on him and making the water almost dance when he looks up at the view.

He’s walking down the beach, sunglasses thick and black and the sand annoying him as he gets everywhere.

The sky remains this bright blue colour and he’ll envy it when it goes, disappears into a pink and orange hue and leave him thinking of things he shouldn’t.

But for now he enjoys it.

He’s enjoying it for as long as he can. It stops when he looks up and sees someone staring at him from across the beach.

Someone who makes his heart stop in his chest altogether.

“Aaron?” The name sounds like blue tac in his mouth, sticky and hard to get out without hurting yourself.

It is Aaron. He’s sure of it. He’s even surer when the man steps forward and his eyes are just as glassy as Aaron’s always were.

—

Aaron just stares at him, the sun making him squint and look nervous until he finally nods.

“Yeah.” Aaron’s voice is still his voice, he sounds like himself and yet he doesn’t dress like the Aaron he knew. The Aaron he knew was allergic to bright colours and yet this one has a red vest top on, a black snap-back, fucking shorts.

“I don’t know ...” Robert just stares at him. “How did you know I –”

Aaron dips his head and then sighs, says, “Cain.”

“How does _he_ know?” He didn’t tell him he was in Spain now, he wanted it like that for a reason. He didn’t want _this_.

Aaron shrugs. “He’s Cain. You don’t think he was keeping tabs on ya?” Robert huffs and watches Aaron bite his lip before looking at Robert up and down slowly. “You look ... good.”

Robert dips his head down and his cheeks burn slightly. “Aaron ...”

“Can we go and talk?”

Robert sees Aaron’s eyes, he knows them, and he feels this invisible string almost tearing between them. “Aaron ...”

Aaron’s face falls, he looks like Robert’s punched him in the stomach. “Please Robert.” He says and Robert wishes he could deny Aaron, but he nods instead. Maybe it’s the wrong thing to do but he does.

He follows Aaron to a small tapas bar.

It’s quiet, the lighting is dark and refined and Robert’s never been here before but Aaron orders them two beers and gives Robert the chance to get his head around him just fucking appearing.

“Here.” Aaron makes him jump slightly as he returns. “Sorry.” He says, he sits slowly on the stool across from Robert and doesn’t say anything else.

Robert soaks him in some more before he runs a hand down his thigh, tries with, “What are you doing here?”

Aaron blinks. “Seeing you.”

“Just like that?” Robert asks. “It’s been ...”

“Two years. I know.” Aaron roams Robert’s face with his eyes. “How’ve you been?”

Robert wants to run from this, but Aaron offers him the smallest smile like he’s willing him to try just for him. He doesn’t know where he’s supposed to start, his mouth tapes open for a second before he says, “I’ve got a good job.”

“Legal?”

Robert smiles easily. “Yes.”

“Good.” Aaron drums his hand down on the table. He looks wrecked with nerves. “That’s good.”

“Why?” Robert asks, a frown forming on his face as he takes in the way Aaron’s sitting, all hunched over and small now. The music in the bar takes over for a second, the strumming and a low base in the way of Aaron’s voice.

Aaron gives this small huff of breath before he says, “Because I thought I’d ruined your life.”

“ _You_ ruined _my_ life?” Robert is stunned for a second and Aaron looks away.

“Two years ... gives you a lot of time to think.” Aaron bites his lip again and it draws out for a second longer than usual.

Robert clears his throat; lets a lump he didn’t know he had start to disappear and thinks about what to say. “Well uh ... what about you? How’ve you ended up here?”

“I already said.” Aaron dips his head down.

“Oh.” Robert blinks. He realises that Aaron’s come all this way to see _him_ , nothing and no one else.

“I’m living in my mum’s village.” Aaron jumps in, shoulders straightening as he sits up. “Got a scrap business.” He blinks quickly.

“Really?” Robert’s proud. It’s scary how much he is.

Aaron nods and then looks nervous again, “But something’s ... missing.” He looks up again and Robert can’t breathe. “I missed you, you know.”

Robert looks away for a second. “It was — Aaron, everything was so long ago now. There’s no point in –”

“But there is.” Aaron says. “Because I pushed you away but ... you never came back. You just _left_ that day and –”

Robert leans in closer, almost hisses, “You didn’t want me. You didn’t need _me_.”

“I did.” Aaron’s eyes are wet again. “So much.” His hand skirts closer to Robert’s. “I hated how much, but when you left, I just wanted you back.”

Robert stares at the hand out for him, the way it is placed over his and then he pulls away. “Have you forgotten what I did?”

Aaron’s face falls a little, his jaw tightens. “Hasn’t really escaped my attention.” He hisses. “But –”

“Aaron there’s no _buts_ here.”

“Would you just listen to me ...”

“No.” He didn’t want it this way, but it has to be. It has to. “I won’t. Because maybe you’re in a better place now but it doesn’t change a single thing OK?”

Aaron shakes his head. “But it can ...” He reaches his hand out and Robert stands.

“Aaron, I’m with someone.”

And oh. There’s that.

—

He’s more than a little fucked up about it but Matteo doesn’t bat an eyelid. He’s good like that and although they’re hardly planning on getting married, they’re something and Robert’s not used to lying to him. He doesn’t do that anymore.

He thinks it shows all over his face when he says he can’t meet him for dinner at the bar they go to. Matteo doesn’t seem to mind, waves a hand, kisses him and goes alone. He feels this surge of guilt, not even necessarily for hurting Matteo, but hurting _someone_ again by lying.

He met him about sixth months ago by chance, a figure behind the bar leaning over and telling him they’re closing soon. He had a nice smile, he made Robert feel like he was a decent person when he listened to him. He seemed to be a friend at first, and Robert was sleeping with a few women by the time Matteo told him he wanted to be with him.

He jumped in with his hands behind his back and a cautious way forward.

He’s in his flat now, out on the balcony and thinking about Aaron. He supposes he’s probably a Dingle by now. He’s annoyed that the fact makes him _smile_.

Something burns through him as he questions his fucking sanity, questions what he’s supposed to do now he’s turned up. He hasn’t let him explain because he doesn’t want to listen to anything, he wants to hold Aaron by the shoulders and charge him back to that night, make him see why they’re in the past.

He wants to ignore him. He has.

And then he sees Aaron staring up at him like they’re in some Shakespeare play and he doesn’t have it in him to turn away. So he lets him in and Aaron’s face is all red and stupidly puffy.

"How did you find ..."

"Asked around." Aaron says feebly. “I know this is mad.” Aaron rubs a hand across his face. “It’s been …”

“Two years.”

Aaron just sniffs, eyes red. “You never came back.”

“To _what_?” Robert’s voice is a little louder as he stands against the wall.

“Me.” Aaron’s voice is tiny. It makes Robert want to reach out, hug him. Aaron shakes his head and moves towards the small sofa; he hangs over it and then shudders. “Wanted to run away didn’t I?”

“That was _before_.” Robert says. “You said I had nothing left there anymore. You said that.” Aaron goes to speak, and he sighs. “Aaron, there’s no point in doing this.”

Aaron’s face is red, and he scowls. “Because you’re with some greased up toned hunk?”

Robert would laugh if he wasn’t so riled up. “Because nothing’s changed. I wish I could go back but I can’t.” He says. “I can’t and I’m sorry.”

“I don’t wish that.”

Robert yanks his head up, heart suddenly pounding.

“You saved my life.”

“You’re delusional.” Robert stomps towards the balcony like a child and tries to shut himself out but Aaron holds the door open.

“I would have killed myself if he forced me back to him.” Aaron’s hand falls slightly, and he closes his eyes. Robert stills slightly. “I couldn’t fight him, not properly. If you weren’t there that night ... to do what you did then — I’d probably be dead.”

Robert blinks, soaks it in. “Aaron, I don’t know what to ...”

“I know.” Aaron nods. “I know and I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner but ...”

“Don’t be.” Robert scowls. “Aaron, I killed him. You watched. You had to see him die because of me.”

“Glad I was there.” Aaron seems so much stronger it’s scary. He nods his head and his chest sticks out as he speaks.

Robert sighs, “Aaron.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“I do. It’s just –”

“You don’t want to.”

Robert runs a hand across his face and goes back towards the kitchen. He’s half hoping that Aaron will disappear when he turns around again but he’s followed him.

“They closed the case.” Aaron says slowly. “After sixth months. They put him down as a missing person. There was nothing else they could do.”

Robert doesn’t know how to feel about it. He should be relieved, but he can’t be.

“You’ll never have a funeral for him.”

Aaron frowns. “Wouldn’t want one.” He pulls a face. “When it happened ... I still saw him as ... my dad.” He looks emotional suddenly and Robert holds his arms close to his sides. “But now I don’t see that. Paddy, my ... my mum’s ex. He’s my dad. Not Gordon.”

Robert smiles faintly.

“He’s been there through everything. So has Cain.” Aaron nods when Robert looks surprised. “I hate that he did it, but I know why. My mum she ... she knows too.”

Robert’s bright red at the thought of it. He feels this sense of exposure suddenly until Aaron smiles.

“She wants to buy you a pint.”

“Aaron.” Robert turns away, pulls away and folds his arms over.

Aaron shudders. “I’m sorry.”

Robert spins. “How can you ... joke?”

Aaron runs a hand across his face. “Better than hating the world.” He whispers. “Hating you. I don’t owe him a single _ounce_ of my time so ...”

Robert breathes steadily as he watches Aaron have all this _strength_ burst inside him.

“I wanted to find you when they dropped it but ... I was still –”

“Angry.”

“Not angry. Just ... my head was everywhere.” Robert can’t help but look down and see the faint outline of a scar on Aaron’s forearm. “I haven’t done that for over a year and a half.”

Robert looks away.

“I promise.”

“You don’t need to promise me anything Aaron.” Robert side steps slightly and then gulps as Aaron’s eyes flicker. “Like you said before, we weren’t anything.”

Aaron shudders. “You meant everything to me.”

Robert thinks about how little time they actually had together to be with each other and not arguing. It all bubbles down to less than a month really.

“Aaron ...”

“We had what? Only a couple of weeks if that. To be happy, for me to ... be so _happy_ with you. You were the only good –”

“I killed people.” Robert points out the obvious because he feels like he has to. “And it fucking haunts me.”

“Rob ...”

Robert almost can’t breathe. “Every day I wake up and ... feel like I don’t deserve this. Being ... happy. Because of what I did. Now you’re telling me you’re …”

“I’m trying to tell you how I _feel_.”

Robert shakes his head and backs towards the wall. “I know how you feel. I’ve known for two years. You can’t see anything but what I did. I get it.”

“You get _fuck_ all.” Aaron shouts. “You don’t know how it’s been without having you.”

“You never did.”

Aaron’s face falls. “I’m not buying this shit.”

“Why ‘cause you flew across the world and you’re not getting what you wanted?”

Robert wants to tell himself to shut up, but it isn’t working.

Aaron pushes at his shoulder and scowls. “Just _stop_.”

“Why?”

“Because I fucking _see_ you Robert.” Aaron shouts. He holds a hand over Robert’s chest and shudders. “I know you.”

Robert’s eyes glisten. “Not — not anymore.”

“You’re scared I’ll tell you to go again.”

“I’m not.”

“You fucking are.” Aaron can clearly read his mind. He hates him. “But I won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I love you.”

Robert doesn’t know how he’s meant to breathe after he hears it. Aaron says it like he’s talking about his football team winning a game against a shitty side. It’s effortless, Robert thinks he saw him even shrug slightly.

“I love you, and I know that. I knew for certain the minute you walked out that door two years ago. I knew it ... when I was lying in bed with you for the first time. I ... I wanted to say it so many times.” Aaron’s mouth is moving again, and Robert just stares at him. “I want you to come home, be with me. Get a pissin’ job there instead of here.” His face is bright red as he speaks and yet he stares right into Robert’s eyes. “He took so much from me. He took _you_. But I won’t just give up when I know I can try and get you back.”

“I ...”

Aaron comes even closer. “Want to protect you again.” He says, tears welling in his eyes and Robert knows this is so hard for him. “I want you to protect me and me to protect you, like before, like –”

“Aaron ...” Robert’s mouth has never been this fucking dry before.

“Don’t say anything.” Aaron whispers. “Let me just ...” He breathes out deeply. “I thought about you every day. It was about what you did at first, then it was about you leaving to be a better person, then it was about ... just you being you. And I wanted you. I still do. I promise I do.” He has a hand gently falling into Robert’s.

“You — you don’t just get to come in here and ...”

Robert stares down at him, feels Aaron’s hand on his waist and it’s like he’s melting into him. He leans his forehead against Aaron’s and his mouth parts open gently, breathes Aaron in, feels him pressing closer and closer.

It feels like everything is right in the world again when Aaron grabs Robert’s belt, tugs hard before looking into Robert’s eyes.

It’s enough to make Robert swoop down and kiss him deeply, as in he doesn’t breathe for what feels like hours as he holds Aaron tightly towards him. He feels Aaron trying to lean down, get onto his knees for Robert but he holds him by his top.

“Not yet.” Robert whispers against his lips, feels Aaron pushing him harder against the wall as he keeps kissing him and kissing him until his lips feel bruised.

—

They end up on the sofa. It’s leather and they’re in Spain so fucking on it isn’t the easiest thing in the world but they don’t care. Aaron’s head is in the crook of Robert’s neck as he comes down from his high, legs wrapped around Robert’s waist.

They didn’t last long but it doesn’t seem to matter now Aaron’s panting on top of him. The whole Aaron saying he loves him sort of saw Robert over the edge. Robert’s scratched his back, Aaron’s sucked a hickie into his shoulder instead of his neck. It’s been a night.

Now, Aaron’s heaving off him, not looking down at all really. He’s silent as he gets his jeans back on and looks around for his green top. Green. Robert’s not sure how Aaron’s so calm about this because his legs are still like jelly. Only he watches his hands tremble as he ties his laces up and it makes Robert smirk up to the ceiling.

He’s still got it then.

He suddenly thinks of Matteo, like this fucking heavy wave of something overflows him and he feels guilty.

“Do you and him use …” Aaron looks like he’s eating a lemon.

“Yeah.” Robert says thickly as he realises what Aaron’s getting at. “We should have too.”

“We never think with our heads.” Aaron says.

“Do you?”

“Do I what?” Aaron is doing his belt up when Robert sits up on the sofa.

“Use protection.”

Aaron nods slowly. “Course. You only _don’t_ if you’re properly ...” He stops himself and then scratches his head.

Robert reaches for his pants and then sits back on the sofa, knees up as he watches Aaron move.

“Is that what we were ... properly ...” Robert trails off when Aaron looks at him.

“I meant what I said.” Aaron whispers. He’s never been open about anything, it’s always had to prised out of him and yet here he is confirming his feelings again.

“You haven’t seen me for ... years.”

“Doesn’t change anything.” Aaron kneels down in front of him.

“What I did? That doesn’t change anything? Is that what you’re really ...”

Aaron closes his eyes. “The minute I got my head around it all, I wanted you back with me. I did.” Robert looks away and Aaron holds his face. “But I thought you’d hate me.”

Robert bites his lip hard. “How could I do that?”

Aaron looks at him, all this hope is sparkling in his eyes that Robert can’t cope with. “Robert ...”

Robert puts his head down, plays with his hands. “You been with someone else? Someone ... serious?”

Aaron breathes in. “You’re with someone now.” He frowns.

“So that’s a yeah then.” Robert hasn’t allowed himself to think about Aaron with anyone else for so long.

Aaron sniffs. “One-night stands. Two night stands.” He closes his eyes. “One guy, Alex.” Robert could have done without the name, but he lets it slide considering what they’ve just done. “He got serious and I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t carry on pretending like something wasn’t missing. Which was you, you idiot.”

Robert stays silent for a second.

“It’s always been you.”

Robert looks up, stares at him with wide scared eyes. Aaron’s head dips and he comes closer, kneels in front of Robert further. There’s something still there, he’s stupid to pretend like there isn’t.

“I get it, if you can’t be with me. I do.”

Robert gulps. “Should be asking you the same thing, I did didn’t I?”

Aaron suddenly looks guilty.

“Aaron, I don’t blame you for not wanting me then.”

“It weren’t about not wanting ya.” Aaron gets out. “What I wanted and what I needed, clashed.” He says. “Now ... it doesn’t.” He says. Aaron lifts his head up and holds Robert’s face again. “I can’t expect you to ... still feel things for me. If you don’t then ... it’s _fine_.”

It looks like Aaron’s breaking inside and trying to pretend like he isn’t.

“But if you think you might want me then ... I’ll wait for you in the airport tomorrow.” Aaron gulps hard like he’s not even sure how he’s able to say all of this. “I’m not asking you to decide but just let me know if I should get on the plane or ... buy another ticket.” He almost laughs and then he slowly stands up, steps away.

He’s so causal about it. He’s almost nervous about it too in this confident way. He’s clearly had so much fucking time to think about this.

“You don’t think we’d remind each other of all ... it?” Robert rings his hands together as Aaron looks at him.

“It’s not what I see when I look at you.” Aaron says. “I see ...” He stops himself. “I see someone who I shouldn’t have let go.”

Robert looks down and then feels Aaron’s hand on his shoulder.

“I just wanted to know if you still –” Aaron looks down at Robert. “Felt something. I still need to know because this ... could have meant nothing to you.”

Robert wills himself to open his mouth, but he doesn’t.

Aaron steps away. “If you can’t, I get it Rob. I just, well it would have been worth it, coming all this way...”

“For the good beer?”

Aaron’s smile is blinding. “No, seeing you smile, hopefully you finding out that I don’t ... hate you, that I couldn’t.”

Robert goes to speak but Aaron starts walking away.

“I’ll see you Rob.”

Robert’s eyes flicker as he watches him move away, get towards the door and smile back for a second before leaving.

—

Robert thinks, and he thinks, and he thinks until something inside him churns. Something just clicks and he’s too afraid to let it in.

But he knows.

Deep down he’s always known.

—

The sun sets and Robert finishes his call before turning towards the door and seeing who walks in.

“We need to ... talk.” He says and it’s the end of an era or whatever they say.

—

_"There’s good people who do bad things love. It’s the way the world works. You have to be one of the people who want to be better though. They’re rare to find.“_

It’s like his mind decides to bring up a stupid childish conversation he had with his mum just to make things more apparent.

It’s been scooped up and served to him, a memory of a memory maybe but something that he holds onto.

—

He sees the back of his stupid head first. He’s wearing a blue tracksuit and he’s on the phone to someone. He can hear him say something about not knowing yet and then he turns slowly, eyes wide as he hangs up and stares at Robert.

He stares at the bag he’s got on the floor next to him too.

“Is this …” Aaron closes his mouth and then opens it again.

“What does it look like idiot?”

Aaron wraps a hand against Robert’s waist, stares up like he’s looking at stars. “You know ... they could open the case, could ask you questions, we could have to go on the run, but I wouldn’t care. Would you? I should ... I should have said this yesterday. God this ain’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows because I’ll never be over it, what happened, I still get nightmares and I still …” He breathes out somewhere in between. “But you made me so happy and I just want that back, and I suck at speeches so _fuck you_ for not saying any –”

He imagines them on the run together, time stretching out as they live a life with happiness instead of whatever he’s been going through. He thinks of everything working out, living in a little village with gossips and a pub and Aaron.

He leans forward, cups Aaron’s face before kissing him hard on the lips. “That enough for you?” Aaron’s eyes are dazzlingly blue as he smiles up.

“Does this mean —” Aaron whispers, like he can’t exactly get his words out.

“Should I spell it out for ya?” Robert has a hand holding Aaron’s waist close. “Book me a ticket home.”

Aaron leans over, arms wrapped around Robert’s neck as he kisses him hard. “I’m so — I love — I’m so in love with you, you know? I just want ya happy, are you sure …”

“So in love with me are ya? That’s all I heard.” Robert doesn’t understand how he ever was able to breathe without hearing Aaron say that. He smiles gently at him and then Aaron’s shaking his head, trying to look serious.

“You’re — what about _work_?”

Robert shrugs. “I’ll transfer or something. They like me. They have offices. I don’t give a shit really.” His hands are shaking slightly, and Aaron holds one to his face and his eyes are glassy again.

Aaron’s never looked so happy.

“I just want you.” Robert whispers, anyway he can, laying low for years in some dodgy caravan whilst the police chase them, putting up with in laws who think he’ll kill them, holding Aaron as he calms down from a nightmare. He just wants _him_. He smiles before leaning closer and kissing him again.

Aaron kisses back, tiptoes and hands in hair before hugging him hard and only letting go when he says something about getting him his ticket. He pulls away from Robert’s hand slowly and Robert watches him turn away.

“Aaron.” He calls out, watches Aaron turn back towards him with a faint smile on his face. The sun is shining down on him, this golden glow that makes Aaron radiate in this beautiful way.

Robert only needs to say three words.

So he does, and everything else can still be left uncertain.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! After the news of Ryan leaving, writing this was such a nice little outlet and I'm so glad I stuck to it. Please let me know any thoughts/feelings you have in the comments because that's always so so appreciated. Also! Make sure to give the artwork all the love you can!


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